MEN - BACK FROM BAFFIN

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Burt Bronson

climber

Topic Author's Original Post - Jan 11, 2005 - 09:59am PT

MEN, BURT BRONSON HERE. I HAVE RETURNED FROM ANOTHER EPIC, YET SUCCESSFUL STAY IN BAFFIN. OUR TEAM (CONSISTING OF ONLY ME) COMPLETED 17 NEW ROUTES. THE HARDEST, "WHY WOMEN SHOULD STAY AT HOME", WAS COMPLETED OVER 84 DAYS. THIS IS, SO FAR, THE BOLDEST ROUTE YET DONE ON THE ISLAND. AT 5.14C, A5++, PDH, WI 13, M14+, GRADE IX, V14, B3, SIT START, THIS ROUTE WAS DONE GROUND UP WITH NO HOLES DRILLED ON THE ASCENT. THE ROUTE WAS ESTABLISHED IN PURE ALPINE STYLE WITH ME STAYING ON THE WALL FOR THE ENTIRE 84 DAYS. I LOST 77 POUNDS ON THE WALL. THE LINE CONSISTS OF 114 PITCHES AND GOES UP A NEWLY DISCOVERED WALL THAT ONLY I HAVE SEEN. ACCORDING TO MY MEASUREMENTS, THE WALL IS THE TALLEST AND MOST OVERHANGING WALL IN THE WORLD. AT 17,000 SHEER VERTICAL FEET AND OVERHANGING 9,000 FEET, IT IS SURE TO NEVER HAVE A REPEAT - ESPECIALLY BY A WOMAN. THIS ROUTE EPITOMIZES THE HARD MAN CLIMBING EXPERIENCE.

PLEASE, GET ME CAUGHT UP ON THE LASTEST GOINGS ON HERE IN THE STATES AND IN THE VALLEY PROPER. WORD HAS IT THAT NOT MUCH HAS HAPPENED, WHICH IS SAD, IN THE TIME I HAVE BEEN GONE. A SOMEWHAT NOTABLE ASCENT BY THE GERMAN BROTHERS WAS DONE ON THE ZODIAC (WHATEVER), I HEARD SOME GIRL CLIMBED EL CAP FREE (SURE SHE DID....), DEAN POTTER ROYALLY F'ED UP AND LOST BOTH HANDS (STICK TO THE SLACK LINE, SLACKER), ANOTHER CHICK CLIMBED 5.14D (SURE SHE DID......) AND CHRIS SHARMA WAS BUSTED FOR WEED (NICE). SOUNDS LIKE I DIDN'T MISS MUCH.

AS MANY OF YOU KNOW, I AM THE LAST BASTION OF THE HARD MAN. MY GOAL IS TWO FOLD - TO CONTINUE IN THE TRADITION OF THE MANY HARD MEN WHO LAID THE FOUNDATION FOR CLIMBING AND TO ENSURE THAT THESE TRADTIONS ARE NOT OVER RUN BY THE GIRLY MEN AND WOMEN WHO ARE TRYING HARD TO DEGRADE OUR SPORT WITH THE USE OF BOLTS, 70 METER ROPES, GRIGRIS, RUBBER SOLED SHOES, CHALK, AND QUICKS-DRAWS. IT IS ALSO EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO ENSURE THAT THE MAN SPORT OF CLIMBING STAYS JUST THAT - A MAN SPORT - AND THAT WOMEN STAY AT HOME, IN THE SERVICE OF THE MAN.

SINCERELY,
BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE HARD MAN.

Burt Bronson

climber

Topic Author's Reply - Jan 11, 2005 - 11:06am PT

SCHMUTZ, BURT BRONSON HERE. YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T KNOW MY HISTORY. YOU OBVIOUSLY CLIP BOLTS. YOU OBVIOUSLY ARE THE PROBLEM WITH CLIMBING TODAY. I HAVE MUCH TO CONTRIBUTE. I HAVE DONE MORE THAN EVERYONE HERE COMBINED.

JUST ASK WERNER, LARGO, RUSS, AND THE OTHERS. I AM THE REAL DEAL HOLLYFIELD. I AM BURT. I AM BRONSON. I AM CLIMBER.

BECAUSE YOU LIKE TO WEAR GIRLY UNDERPANTS IS NOT MY PROBLEM. REMOVE YOUR THONG. GRAB SOME NUTS, AND GO CLIMB.

AS THEY SAY:

I AM THE BOSS, APPLESAUCE
UNDERSTAND, RUBBERBAND
DON'T GET WISE, BUBBLE EYES
I'LL KNOCK YOU DOWN TO PEANUT SIZE

BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE HARD MAN

Burt Bronson

climber

Topic Author's Reply - Jan 11, 2005 - 11:10am PT

SCHMUTZ, BURT BRONSON HERE.

I TAKE IT BACK TOO. YOU DON'T REALLY WEAR GIRLY PANTS - BUT SOMETIMES I DO.... SHHHHHHHHHHH.... THAT'S ON THE DOWN LOW.

BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE HARD MAN

Burt Bronson

climber

Topic Author's Reply - Jan 11, 2005 - 11:23am PT

NAMBLA, BURT BRONSON HERE.

I WILL NEVER BE BEAT AT MY OWN GAME. WHY? BECAUSE. YES,THERE HAVE BEEN A FEW TO TRY TO MIMIC ME. THIS ONE ROCKSTAR ON THE OLD SITE. AND THIS KATE. THEY ARE PRETTY GOOD, BUT ROCKSTAR IS TOO CONCERNED WITH CO-EDS AND KATE IS A GIRL. ADDITIONALLY, THEY CLIPS THE BOLT WHILE I DRINK THE COLT. I CAN NOT BE DEBUNKED. I AM THE ORIGINAL. I AM BURT. I AM BRONSON. WAIT AND SEE. I HAVE AN ARTICLE COMING OUT IN ALPINE. YOU WILL ALL BOW SOON BECAUSE OF MY EXPLOITS.

THIS PERVERT MAN, PTPP, KNOWS OF ME. I HAVE HAD TO RESCUE HIM FROM EL CAP MANY TIMES AND HE STEALS MY SYSTEMS AND CLAIMS THEM AS HIS. THIS IS SAD - AS ARE YOU.

NOW GO TO WORK WHILE I TAKE A REST DAY BEFORE MY 64TH ASCENT OF SEA OF DREAMS.

BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE HARD MAN

dirtineye

Trad climber

the south

Jan 11, 2005 - 11:28am PT

Wait just a minute, don't you realize that the way to make time with the hot climbng chicks is to bash BURT a little? He makes it easy for the rest of us to seem in touch with our sensitive sides hahaha.

I love BURT. Not in a gay touchy-feely way, but in a manly-palsy walsy sort of way, in a way.

In the past BURT seemed to know just how much BURT the world could handle at one time. That made him kind of special.

Burt Bronson

climber

Topic Author's Reply - Jan 11, 2005 - 11:34am PT

ALL, BURT BRONSON HERE.

I KNOW THE DOCTOR. RICHARD AND I ARE BUDDIES, HE JUST DOESN'T KNOW WE KNOW EACH OTHER. I KNOW OF HIS HAND, HIS HOPES OF OWNING A GYM, AND OF HIS STINT IN THE COURTS AS A LAWYER. I KNOW OF HIS RECENT TRANSPLANT TO THE DIRTY SOUTH AND THAT HIS JETTA WAS A POS. KODOS AND I ARE TIGHT. HE HAS ACCOMPANIED ME ON SOME OF MY EXPLOITS. HE HAS SEEN THE LEGEND WITH HIS OWN EYES AND HAS MARVELED AT MY BEAUTY AND BEEN AMAZED AT MY STRENGTH AND ABILITIES.

HOWEVER - KODOS LIVES IN A FANTISY LAND. HE GOES BY THIS FAUX NAME. HE FEELS THE NEED TO COVER HIS GROIN FROM THE WORLD. I, BURT BRONSON, DO NOT. YOU MAY FEAST YOUR EYES ON MY SACK WHENEVER YOU WANT (GO TO WWW.BURTBRONSONSBALLSACKWEBCAM.COM) I AM ME AND HE IS I AND WE ARE ALL TOGETHER.

BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE HARD MAN

Korps

Social climber

Inebriation

Jan 11, 2005 - 11:39am PT

burt soon you will be mine

Burt Bronson

climber

Topic Author's Reply - Jan 11, 2005 - 11:48am PT

ALL, BURT BRONSON HERE.

IT'S GREAT TO BE WANTED.

BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE HARD MAN

up2top

Big Wall climber

Phoenix, AZ

Jan 11, 2005 - 12:14pm PT

Sadly, this BURT is an imposter. Will the real BURT BRONSON please stand up?

Ed

Burt Bronson

climber

Topic Author's Reply - Jan 11, 2005 - 02:15pm PT

KODOS, BURT BRONSON HERE.

ARE YOU SURE I AM WHO YOU THINK I AM THAT I AM FOR YOU ARE RICHARD AND I AM ME BUT YOU THINK I AM NOT WHAT I AM. FOLLOW ME - NO - NOT TO TENNESSEE BUT TO VEGAS AND THE GUNKS AND TO BAFFIN AND TO THE PIZZA DECK.

LOVE,
BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE SERIOUS HARD MAN

JuanDeFuca

Big Wall climber

Chatsworth

Jan 11, 2005 - 03:24pm PT

BRONSTON- ROCKSTAR HERE

WHILE YOU BE IN BAFFIN, I COMPLETED WHAT I LIKE TO CALL THE GRAND TOUR OF EL CAP. WITH A TEAM OF SIX COEDS - AGES 17-22 - LINKED EVERY SINGLE EL CAP ROUTE. BEGAN WITH THE DEATH GULLY FAR TO THE LEFT AND ENDED WITH EAST LEDGES RAP ROUTE. HAVE NAMED THE ROUTE - IRAQ IS ONLY THE !@#$%^& START, GET OVER IT! 5.17C, A7, GRADE XXXVI.

CLIMB TOOK OVER TWO YEARS WITH FIRST CHILDERN EVER BORN ON EL CAP. I FORGET THEIR NAMES.

I FREE CLIMBED ALL AID PITCHS ON SHIELD, SON OF HEART, AND MESCALITO, ZODIAC.

TOOK ONLY 3 FALLS.

JUAN

coldclimb

climber

Wasilla, Alaska

Jan 12, 2005 - 05:49am PT

Actually, this is the best thread I've read in a couple of days. :D

yes

Trad climber

the inside

Jan 12, 2005 - 01:22pm PT

is everbody here a teenager or what?

Burt Bronson

climber

Topic Author's Reply - Jan 12, 2005 - 03:43pm PT

SKETCH BALL, BURT BRONSON HERE.

ME AND PENNINGTON ARE RELATED - THOUGH SOMEWHAT DISTANTLY. CROTCH AND I ARE MORE CLOSELY RELATED THAN PENNINGTON.

BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE SERIOUS HARD MAN

nature

climber

Flagstaff, AZ

Jan 12, 2005 - 03:56pm PT

BURT, WALLY JOHNSTON HERE.

REMEMBER ME FROM THE PAKISTAN EPIC? YOU REMEMBER, THE TWO WOMEN THAT WOULDN'T GIVE UP THAT... ERR... UM. WELL, YOU KNOW. I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW YOU SURVIVED THAT STONING.

ANYWAY. GOOD TO HEAR OF YOUR RETURN. I'M HOPING YOU NEED A BELAY SLAVE. LET ME KNOW. WANT TO HEAR THE FULL SPRAYDOWN IN FIRST PERSON.

HAVE A GREAT DAY.

CHEERS,
"THE WALL"

Burt Bronson

climber

Topic Author's Reply - Jan 12, 2005 - 04:10pm PT

WALLY JOHNSTON, YOUR OLD BUDDY BURT BRONSON HERE.

I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN AFTER YOU BAILED ON THAT A0 LEAD IN PAKISTAN. THAT WAS SERIOUSLY A NON-SERIOUS LEAD THAT YOU POOSED OUT ON. I WAS VERY DISAPPOINTED THAT YOU WOULDN'T RUN THAT PITCH OUT ON THOSE 00 HEADS. YOU WANTED SO BAD FOR ME TO PLACE A DOWEL AT THAT BELAY WHEN I HAD THAT BOMBER 1 RP IN.

I'LL TAKE YOU UP SOMETHING ELSE, BUT YOU MUST PROMISE ME YOU WON'T PULL THAT GIRLY CRAP ON ME AGAIN. IT WOULD MAKE THINGS EASIER TO CHOP THE LAST PITCH OF MESCALITO WITH A PARTNER, SO IF YOU ARE UP FOR IT, LET'S GET IT ON. YOU CAN PROVE YOUR WORTH ON THE SEA GULL PITCH. YES, I'LL TAKE THE 3 SWEET PITCHES UP THE CENTER ON THE DOWELS BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'LL BE ALL PUCKERED UP.

ANYWAY, REGARDING THE PAKISTANI GIRLS, THEY EVENTUALLY SAW THINGS MY WAY AND I HAD MY WAY. JUST LIKE A MAN SHOULD.

I'LL MEET YOU AT DEGNAN AT 7:00 PM.

BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE SERIOUS HARD MAN

nature

climber

Flagstaff, AZ

Jan 12, 2005 - 04:19pm PT

BURT, BIG-WALL(Y) JOHNSTON HERE,

I COULD TELL YOU WERE NOT SERIOUS ABOUT NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN. THOUGH AT FIRST I THOUGHT YOU WERE I REALIZED ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. I'VE BEEN TRAINING HARD TO BE WORTHY OF YOUR COMPANY. MY LATEST PROJECT - AN A7 PITCH ON CRAPPY SANDSTONE - IS JUST THE BEGINNING OF MY NEW METAL.

I'M ALREADY AT DEGNAN'S. I CAN SIT HERE FOR SIX MORE HOURS BUT 14 STRAIGHT HOURS OF DRINKING WILL BE LIKE RELIVING THE OLD DAYS. 'MEMBER THAT TIME I BELAYED ON YOU PITCH 7 OF THE NEW ROUTE ON TRANGO? [GRANTED I BELAYED THE ENTIRE ROUTE] THE ROUTE WOULD NEVER HAVE GONE WITHOUT THOSE FOUR BOTTLES OF WHISKEY. AND STOP TELLING THAT LIE ABOUT ME DRINKING MOST OF IT.

OH, AND GOOD TO HEAR YOU MADE UP WITH THOSE CHIX (AND THE ONES MOM?).

I'LL SEE YOU AT THE DELI AND JUST TO SHOW YOU MY GOOD nature I'LL BYE THE FIRST DOZEN ROUNDS. WE'LL MAKE PLANS FOR MESCALITO TOO. I LOVE CHOPPING. CAN WE JUMP ON LIA AFTER?

OH AND I ALREADY TOLD YOU I POOSED OUT BECAUSE I HAD NOT BEEN DUMPED RECENTLY. ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO AN END. I'VE BEEN ON THE CHIX ROLLER-COASTER RIDE FROM HELL. I'M READY TO FOLLOW.

CHEERS,
"THE WALLSTER"

Burt Bronson

climber

Topic Author's Reply - Jan 12, 2005 - 04:34pm PT

WALLY JOHNSTON, BURT BRONSON HERE.

I WAS SERIOUS ABOUT NOT TALKING TO YOU AGAIN, BUT AM FEELING A LITTLE COMPASION RIGHT NOW. MY TIME SPENT IN BAFFIN ALLOWED ME TO CONTEMPLATE THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE, SEX, CLIMBING PARTNERS, AND BOOZE. WE DID HAVE SOME GOOD TIMES. GOOD NEWS ON YOUR CRAPPY SANDSTONE ROUTE. A7, HUH? NICE. I WONDER WHAT JIM "THE CRUSHER" WOULD HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT.

ORDER ME UP A HAM AND RYE AT DEGNANS, WOULD YA? SIX HOURS IS NOTHING COMPARED TO 84 DAYS.... WALLY, IF YOU WANT TO CLIMB WITH ME, YOU NEED TO THINK SERIOUS. 6 HOURS OF WAITING (OR BELAYING) IS NOT SERIOUS. NOT SURE WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT 4 BOTTLES WE BROUGHT 40 - AND I HAVE NEVER TOLD ANYONE THAT YOU DRANK MOST OF IT. I TOLD A FEW PEOPLE THAT PUKED ALOT.

YEAH - I HAD ALL OF THEM PAKISTANI WHOES.

SOUNDS GOOD ABOUT YOU BUYING AND I WOULD LOVE TO GET ON LOST IN AMERICA AGAIN. IT'S BEEN TOO LONG SINCE I'VE RUN UP THAT CHOSS PILE. NOT SURE WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT THE DUMPED PART. I REMEMBER THAT YOU TOOK ALOT OF DUMPS ON THE ROUTE BECAUSE YOU WERE SO DAMN SCARED, BUT....

JUST KNOW THAT I LEAD AND YOU FOLLOW.

BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE SERIOUS HARD MAN

nature

climber

Flagstaff, AZ

Jan 12, 2005 - 05:26pm PT

BURT, THE WALLSTER HERE,

WE BROUGHT 40 BOTTLES? NO WONDER YOU DIDN'T HELP ME MUCH WITH THE FOUR *I* KNEW US TO HAVE. GOOD WORK. MY LIVER THANKS YOU.

"THE CRUSHER" TURNED ME ON TO, AND BELAYED ON, THIS SICK PEPPLE SLINGFEST. ALL BELAYS ARE ON 1" OR LESS MARBLES AND THERE ARE NO HOLES. ACTUALLY, THERE IS ONE BELAY WERE I SLUNG A 2" PEBBLE BUT IT WAS SO BOMBER I USED ONLY THE ONE.

I DON'T MIND THE LIES ABOUT PUKING A LOT - IT'S ALL RELATIVE, NO?

AS FAR AS WAITING SIX HOURS - THAT'S NOT A COMPLAINT. I GUESS THERE IS REASON WE DIDN'T ALWAY SEE EYE-TO-EYE (NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU BEING 7' 2"). BUT SINCE WERE ARE AIRING OUR DIRTY LAUNDRY, YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND THE BEING DUMPED PART (FORGOT). GOTTA HAVE SOMETHING TO DUMP YA I SUPPOSE. BUT THAT, MY GOOD GOOD FRIEND, IS WHY YOU TRUELY ARE THE LAST BASTION OF THE SERIOUS HARD MAN.

I'LL ORDER YOU THAT HAM ON RYE. I'LL DO IT FOR YOU ONE LAST TIME. YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT EATING DEAD ANIMALS. I DON'T EVEN LIKE TO ORDER DEAD THINGS. BUT DON'T WORRY, I WON'T SLIP YOU A TOFU BURGER. I REMEMBER WHAT THAT DID TO YOUR UNDERSHORTS LAST TIME I PULLED THAT FINE TRICK.

GLAD TO KNOW I CAN STILL BE YOUR BELAY SLAVE.

TAKE CARE,

BIG-WALL(Y)-BELAY-SLUT JOHNSTON.

ricardo

Gym climber

San Francisco, CA

Jan 12, 2005 - 07:44pm PT

burt bronson has to me my favority all time troll ..

nature

climber

Flagstaff, AZ

Jan 12, 2005 - 09:24pm PT

BURT IS NOT TROLL YOU SISSYBOY!!!

matty

Trad climber

valencia, CA

Jan 12, 2005 - 09:33pm PT

BURT-

PERHAPS YOU SHOULD CLIMB THE "TROLL WALL". THEN IF YOU ARE CALLED A TROLL YOU CAN PROUDLY AGREE!!!

MATT

Flash

Ice climber

Jan 13, 2005 - 01:59am PT

From what I have read around the net...kodos kicks everybody's butt! Don't even try...

Burt Bronson

climber

Topic Author's Reply - Jan 13, 2005 - 10:26am PT

WALLY, BURT BRONSON HERE.

WHERE THE $^@# WERE YOU? I AM GOING UP THE WALL SOLO. IT'S NOW OFFICIALLY OVER.

BURT BRONSON
TRUELY, THE LAST BASTION OF THE SERIOUS HARD MAN

nature

climber

Flagstaff, AZ

Jan 13, 2005 - 10:32am PT

BURT, THE WALL(Y)STER HERE,

DON'T SPRAY IN PUBLIC WHEN YOU STAND ME UP SAYING "WHERE WAS I?". WHERE WERE YOU BUDDY? I WAS THERE. BEEN THERE. AM *STILL* THERE WAITING. YOUR HAM AND RYE WAS GOING TO WASTE. BY 2AM I HAD TO EAT IT TO NOT WASTE IT. WASTING FOOD MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A FEWL. REMEMBER! I'M VEGAN. I ATE HAM JUST TO MAKE YOU NOT LOOK LIKE A FEWL. THAT'S WHAT BUDDIES ARE FOR. HEAD ON OVER. LIKE I SAID, I'M STILL HERE AND I'M STILL BYING.

I ALWAYS COVER FOR YOU AND NOW YOU TREAT ME LIKE THIS IN PUBLIC NONETHELESS. I GUESS I'M USE TO IT. IT'LL NEVER BE OVER. DON'T FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE ANTARCTIC. REMEMBER YOUR PINKY FINGER. SEE YOU SOON.

MUCH LOVE,

WALLY- I BEEN DRINKING NOT LONG ENOUGH - JOHNSTON

Gene

climber

Jan 13, 2005 - 11:08am PT

Over at that other site that doesn't load and produces refugees, a certain user (John Gill) posted:

Had Burt Bronson been around in the 1950s, I would have traded in my climbing boots for a set of golf clubs.

http://www.rockclimbing.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=979936#979936

Burt Bronson

climber

Topic Author's Reply - Jan 13, 2005 - 11:24am PT

W, BB HERE.

ON WALL NOW. KISS ASS. NEAR TOP. JUST FINISHED BISMARK PITCH. COOKED DEAD BIRD WITH CHEATER BLOCK AT TOP. PITCH IS NO GIVE ME ANYMORE.

BB,
T.L.B.O.T.S.H.M

--------

Sent from my wireless NooBerry

nature

climber

Flagstaff, AZ

Jan 16, 2005 - 12:39pm PT

BURT, BIG-WALL(Y) JOHNSTON HERE,

KUDOS ON THE CLEANUP PROJECT. GOOD WORK ON THE BIRD KILL. YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD A WAY WITH BEASTIES.

JUST RETURNED FROM BAFFIN. SO THERE IS NO SUNLIGHT THESE DAYS. THAT DIDN'T STOP ME. NEW 4000 FOOT FREE SOLO ESTABLISHED. CALLED
GRIN-AND-BARE-ASS-IT (VIII 5.12D+) [DON'T ASK]. NO HOLES - NO BELAYS.

GLAD WE ARE OVER IT. I'VE BEEN HELD BACK FOR FAR TOO LONG BY YOUR HARDMANLINESS. GOT A HOTTIE BELAY SLAVE NOW (FELGA FROM FINLAND KEPT ME WARM IN BAFFIN).

HAVE A TA TA DAY. I'M HEADING TO NORTHERN RUSSIA TO CHECK OUT NEWLY DISCOVERED 3000 METER OVERHANGING SANDSTONE. JUST MY FORTE.

WALLY

Karl Baba

Trad climber

Yosemite, Ca

Jan 16, 2005 - 02:35pm PT

You supertopo losers have obviously been suckered. I have news for you!

I HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE THAT MR. BURT BRONSON NEVER ACTUALLY WENT TO BAFFIN!!

or if he did, that he is exaggerating his ascent there.

Evidence number 1

HE DIDN'T SPELL "TRADITIONAL" CORRECTLY IN HIS TRIP REPORT!

How could a truly trad icon do that?

Evidence number 2

He rated the Aid section of the route A5++

Everybody knows that ++ isn't acceptable as a rating. You go from A5, to A5+, to A6. This kind of flamboyant improvisation of climbing nomenclature is NOT TRADTIONAL!

Evidence number 3

His calculations of the size of the wall are obviously exaggerated. If a 17,000 foot wall overhung by 9000 feet the great mass of it would cause fracture lines in the stone that would make such a precipice very short lived and, even it it did exist, it would be A6 and not A5++....IDIOT!!!

I believe that MR. BRONSON may be a victim of delusions caused by masculine buildup brought on by the inability to exercise his usual lovemaking routine (because of frostbite danger)

The clue was when he wrote.

"MY TIME SPENT IN BAFFIN ALLOWED ME TO CONTEMPLATE THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE, SEX, CLIMBING PARTNERS, AND BOOZE"

Since he was solo for that long, I can only assume he consolidated all those finer things into one solo party until it got too cold to risk snake bite. (for noobs, snake bite is like frost bite but it afflicts the trouser snake.) Madness soon resulted. Also his CAPS LOCK KEY SUFFERED FREEZING ASS WELL!!

I hope this clears some of the confusion, and that Burt will wake up someday and rest on his REAL ACCOMPLISHMENTS without all the manly chest beating.

Humbly

Karl

nature

climber

Flagstaff, AZ

Jan 20, 2005 - 04:00pm PT

KARL, BIG-WALL(Y)-JOHNSTON HERE,

HOW COULD YOU FABRICATE SUCH LIES? HOW COULD YOU DOUBT IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM THE PURE ETHICAL AND CLIMBING SUPREMACY OF BURT BRONSON? I'M ASHAMED OF YOU. THESE ARE LIES. WHAT IS YOUR AGENDA WITH THIS SLANDER?

BEFORE HE MAKES YOU DO IT I SUGGEST YOU FIND THAT HOLE AND CRAWL BACK IN.

GOOD DAY... CARRY ON.

WALLY

Burt Bronson

climber

Topic Author's Reply - Jan 20, 2005 - 04:14pm PT

WALL(Y), BURT BRONSON HERE.

THANKS FOR GETTING MY BACK. I COULD USE SOME SERIOUS HELP WITH THE NUTS!!!! THREAD. NO ONE'S BITING. MAY HAVE TO GET MY OLD FRIEND E. B. SHOE TO LOG ON IF I CAN GET HIM OFF OF THOSE PORN SITES LONG ENOUGH.

BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE SERIOUS HARDMEN

marky

climber

Sep 9, 2008 - 03:01am PT

how did I miss this shitt?

Awesome work, Burt.

Your fellow hardman,

marky.

Brunosafari

Boulder climber

Redmond, OR

Sep 9, 2008 - 11:33am PT

Oh Bur-urt! Time to come home! Your dinner is ready! Spaghettios!

Hardman Knott

Gym climber

Muir Woods National Monument, Mill Valley, Ca

Sep 9, 2008 - 11:52am PT

On Jan 11, 2005, 09:14am, up2top wrote:

Sadly, this BURT is an imposter. Will the real BURT BRONSON please stand up?

Ed

Ed nailed it.

Copycats and plagiarists SERIOUSly suck.

MisterE

Social climber

My Inner Nut

Sep 9, 2008 - 12:02pm PT

Keep trying, Burt. You'll never match this guy:

Hardman Knott

Gym climber

Muir Woods National Monument, Mill Valley, Ca

Sep 9, 2008 - 12:05pm PT

MisterE

Trad climber

One Step Beyond!

Jun 27, 2009 - 09:42pm PT

Bump for The Most Interesting Man In The World!!!666

Captain...or Skully

Social climber

North of the Owyhees

Jun 27, 2009 - 10:50pm PT

Burt is my bitch.

climber

Just takin' the long way home...

Jun 27, 2009 - 11:35pm PT

I never knew who BURT was--somehow missed his threads in the past. What a funny guy! Loved the name of his Baffin route...hope he's put up more in a similar vein.

Hardman--e-thugs is hysterical!

Fluoride

Trad climber

Hollywood, CA

Jun 28, 2009 - 02:12pm PT

Back off Skully...Burt is MY bitch!!!

God, he's such a man. Why can't all men be as badass as Burt.

Sigh.............

Captain...or Skully

Social climber

way, WAY out there....(OMG)

Jun 28, 2009 - 02:34pm PT

(dammit...)

noshoesnoshirt

climber

I don't even know any more

Jun 28, 2009 - 02:57pm PT

I'm not sure if I'm in awe or in love...

Mighty Hiker

Social climber

Vancouver, B.C.

Jun 28, 2009 - 03:51pm PT

Baffin - where men are men, BURT is BURT, and polar bears are frightened.

SteveW

Trad climber

The state of confusion

Jun 28, 2009 - 04:02pm PT

Mighty Hiker. . .

HA HA HA!!!!!!11111

ron gomez

Trad climber

fallbrook,ca

Jun 28, 2009 - 05:49pm PT

Burt, did the same route in the mid 70's with some Inuits that had never climbed, they thought it was light, by their standards. We did the route in a week and named it, "Light Beer". I must say did not do it solo, so good job and a firm handshake to you! We ate bear meat on the ascent, that we slain at the base of the route when it tore apart our one and only tent, trying to get to our liquor stash. Ice broke up on our ascent, denying us retreat the way we came in....so we swam back. You MUST have seen some of the slung chockstones we left in cracks as we rapped and down climbed our route to get back to the base. I'm going back in 2015 to climb with these same gals, they want to link up 5 or 6 routes in winter, alpine style, with a clean rack and 6mm rope to save weight. They propose calling the trip "In you wit". If you want to join, sent yer resume to me and I'll forward it to the gals for their review!
Again, great job, yer HARD MAN!
Peace

MisterE

Trad climber

One Step Beyond!

Jun 28, 2009 - 05:51pm PT

Speaking of Light Beer...

Real Men of Genius - BURT BRONSON:

Mr. Hardman Throwback Misogynist Guy

Fluoride

Trad climber

Hollywood, CA

Jun 28, 2009 - 08:04pm PT

Hotness...post up some pics!!

I know you look smokin' in that parka.

MisterE

Social climber

Bouncy Tiggerville

Sep 14, 2010 - 11:09pm PT

BURT BRONSON BUMP!

BURT BR0NSON

Big Wall climber

State of manliness

Sep 14, 2010 - 11:19pm PT

MEN, BURT BRONSON HERE. HAS ANY MAN MADE A SECOND ASCENT?

BEYOND THE LAST BASTION,
BURT BRONSON

ron gomez

Trad climber

fallbrook,ca

Sep 14, 2010 - 11:22pm PT

I heard THE BRONSON is hangin' at the FISH compound.
Peace

R.B.

Big Wall climber

Land of the Lahar

Sep 14, 2010 - 11:26pm PT

Cap lock key does not mean using keyhole hangers on El Cap!

dougs510

Social climber

down south

Sep 14, 2010 - 11:39pm PT

Well, BURT seems to have go the way of the forgotten. Perhaps he fell on his 65th attempt at the "Sea Of Dreams". We miss you BURT. You are THE MAN, If you are around, post up your latest,,, if knott... we'll see you at the crag on the other side......

ron gomez

Trad climber

fallbrook,ca

Sep 15, 2010 - 12:07am PT

Yo Burt....YOU did the 2nd, me and the Inuit girls did the 1st. Didn't you see the post way back when????? Come on man! Never did get your resume, I assume we will have to find another "dick man" for the girls!?
Peace

matthewtraver

climber

Hong Kong, living in London

Sep 15, 2010 - 05:36am PT

I love you Burt Bronson. You're the biggest man I know!

BASE104

climber

An Oil Field

Sep 15, 2010 - 06:00am PT

Oh man.

This place was just a drag without Burt.

The Dude is real and never lies.

pyro

Big Wall climber

Calabasas

Sep 15, 2010 - 12:11pm PT

Burt welcome back your rad!

JLP

Social climber

The internet

Sep 15, 2010 - 12:37pm PT

Batten died, and thus did BURT. Wanker Br0nson is no replacement.

Elcapinyoazz

Social climber

Joshua Tree

Sep 15, 2010 - 12:46pm PT

Stand aside JLP, this is man talk.

Hardman Knott

Gym climber

Muir Woods National Monument, Mill Valley, Ca

Sep 15, 2010 - 01:10pm PT

Again (and again and again, ad infinitum), the real Burt Bronson outed himself years ago on rec.climbing and hasn't posted since.

JLP

Social climber

The internet

Sep 15, 2010 - 01:20pm PT

Again, (and again and again, ad infinitum) the real Burt Bronson outed himself years ago on rec.climbing and hasn't posted since.

Softman - feel free to dig up that post.

MisterE

Social climber

MEEP MEEP

Feb 6, 2011 - 10:08am PT

REAL MAN BUMP

couchmaster

climber

pdx

Feb 6, 2011 - 10:31am PT

Again (and again and again, ad infinitum), the real Burt Bronson outed himself years ago on rec.climbing and hasn't posted since.

Link or details of this?

Elcapinyoazz

Social climber

Joshua Tree

Feb 6, 2011 - 01:46pm PT

All 45 of the real Burt's rec.c posts:

http://groups.google.co.uk/groups/search?q=group%3Arec.climbing+author%3ABURT+author%3ABRONSON&start=0&scoring=d&hl=en&lr=&safe=off&num=100&as_drrb=b&as_mind=1&as_minm=1&as_miny=1981&as_maxd=31&as_maxm=12&as_maxy=2006&

justthemaid

climber

Jim Henson's Basement

Feb 6, 2011 - 03:17pm PT

I miss Burt.

Burt Bronson on how real men set goals for the valley:

"HI BURT BRONSON HERE. SINCE THIS NG IS GOING DOWNHILL, I THOUGHT I WOULD GRACE EVERYONE WITH SOME EXCELLENT WRITING AND TO ALSO HELP EVERYONE TRY TO IMAGINE WHAT IT MUST BE LIKE TO BE A SERIOUS VALLEY CLIMBER LIKE ME MOST PEOPLE JUST HAVE NO IDEA, SO I THOUGHT I WOULD RECORD MY EXPERIENCES FOR THE 99.99 NON-SERIOUS CLIMBERS OUT THERE IN THE CYBER WORLD. ENJOY!

AS YOU ALL KNOW, I AM THE LAST BASTION OF THE SERIOUS CLIMBER. THEREFORE,
MY GOALS IN THE VALLEY WERE FAR MORE SERIOUS THAN WHAT YOU PEOPLE HAVE. MY
OBJECTIONS FOR THIS TRIP WERE:

1) ASTROMAN IN SUB 3 HOURS WITH ONLY 3 NUTS, AND 2 CAMS - LINKING WITH CREST JEWEL AND A DOWN CLIMB OF ROYAL ARCHES TO THE DEVIL POOLS - TOTAL CLIMB TIME TO NAKED TIME AT THE POOLS: 6 HOURS

2) SOLO OF STECK-SALATHE BESTING HENERY BARBER'S TIME OF 2:45

3) SOLO OF THE GOOD BOOK WITH NO HELMET WHILE DODGING LOOSE AND FALLING ROCK

4) FREEBLAST BEFORE CURRY BREAKFAST BUFFET OPENS WHILE GETTING COMPLETELY
HAMMERED THE NIGHT BEFORE

5) PANTY RAID OF THE HUBERS FIXED LEDGE ON ZODIAC WHILE ASCENDING THE ROUTE
IN SUB 8 HOURS SOLO

6) THE ROSTRUM TO THE ALIEN FINISH WHILE TAMING A PERIGRINE FALCON NESTING
THERE TO BRING HOME AS A PET

7) SOLO OF GENERATOR CRACK IN RUNNING SHOES WHILE ON REST DAY/MORNING JOG TO TUOLOMNE AND BACK

8) SMOKE AND DRINK BEER FROM BROWN BAG ON THE PIZZA DECK WHILE SCAVAGING
PIZZA AND DODGING THE YCS EMPLOYEES

9) SANDBAG THE NUMOURUS FIRST TIME WALL CLIMBERS WITH BAD WEATHER BETA AT
THE START OF THE NOSE TO TEST THEIR SERIOUSNESS

10) SMOKE MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF WEED WITH CHONGO AND THEN TELL HIM HE'S GOT
RELATIVITY ALL WRONG

AS YOU WOULD HAVE GUESSED, ALL GOALS WERE COMPLETED AND ACTUALLY SURPASSED.
MY TIME ON ASTROMAN WAS 2:20:43 AND WAS NAKED WITH COCK IN HAND AT 4:53:32.
MY TIME ON STECK-SALATHE WAS 1:23:21. I SUCESSFULLY DODGED FALLING ROCK ON
THE GOOD BOOK AND EVEN MANAGED ANOTHER SLIDE! FREEBLAST WAS A JOKE BUT
BREAKFAST WAS GREAT. I HAVE MUCH OF THE HUBERS GEAR AND A NEW SOLO RECORD
FOR ZODIAC. MY PET FALCONS NAME IS BECKEY. I'VE DOWNGRADED THE GENERATOR
TO 5.3+. I OWNED THE PIZZA DECK. NO NOSE GUMBIES PASSED MY TEST, WHICH IS
GOOD, AS I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE RESCUEING PEOPLE ON THIS TRIP. CHONGO HAS
ACCEPTED HE KNOWS NOTHING OF RELATIVITY AND CONFESSED THAT HIS BOOK IS A
SCAM - AS A SIDE NOTE, HE DID HAVE REALLY GOOD WEED.

BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE SERIOUS CLIMBER

Mighty Hiker

climber

Vancouver, B.C.

Feb 6, 2011 - 04:37pm PT

So BURT, did you see anything of the Baffin Babes while you were there?
They did an 80 day ski/sled traverse along the east coast of the island.
Just your kind of gals.
http://www.baffinbabes.com/

Captain...or Skully

climber

Nov 5, 2012 - 10:59pm PT

BUMP.

jogill

climber

Colorado

Nov 5, 2012 - 11:05pm PT

Miss this guy!

We need him to clean up the PG&RvsS thread.

;>)

WyoRockMan

climber

Flank of the Bighorns

Jun 9, 2013 - 12:44am PT

BBST

Vitaliy M.

Mountain climber

San Francisco

Jun 9, 2013 - 12:03pm PT

Rebel is back. You think any of your routes will see second ascents?

jogill

climber

Colorado

Jun 9, 2013 - 11:01pm PT

This guy has nothing on BURT

MisterE

Social climber

Jun 24, 2013 - 08:37pm PT

BURT BRONSON is on Facebook?

WTF?

Michelle

Social climber

1187 Hunterwasser

Jun 24, 2013 - 10:05pm PT

BURT was suggested to me as a friend. I was like, whaaaat?

Gary

Social climber

Desolation Basin, Calif.

Jun 24, 2013 - 11:34pm PT

AT 5.14C, A5++, PDH, WI 13, M14+, GRADE IX, V14, B3, SIT START,

We need BURT more than ever.

McHale's Navy

Trad climber

From Panorama City, CA

Jun 25, 2013 - 12:29am PT

Where have all the tough guys gone?

dhayan

climber

los angeles, ca

Feb 9, 2015 - 09:19pm PT

the dawn wall is harder than that

jgill

Boulder climber

The high prairie of southern Colorado

Feb 9, 2015 - 09:25pm PT

BURT BRONSON is the embodiment of a dream to which we can only weakly aspire, and his spirit exists in all that is good and wholesome in climbing. If another assumes his forum mantle then welcome the latest incarnation of a God of Climbing.

'Pass the Pitons' Pete

Big Wall climber

like Ontario, Canada, eh?

Feb 9, 2015 - 10:17pm PT

I miss BURT. But was the REAL DEAL.

We need more REAL MEN around here, like BURT. Whatever happened to him?

WBraun

climber

Feb 9, 2015 - 10:26pm PT

We need more REAL MEN around here, like BURT. Whatever happened to him?

He became a pussy moved to suburbia and took up mini-traxion, sport climbing, and gym climbing .....

nature

climber

Boulder, CO

Feb 10, 2015 - 06:32am PT

He became a pussy moved to suburbia and took up mini-traxion, sport climbing, and gym climbing

as the Turtle might say... uhhh... yup. He's my plastic partner. We were at the gym just last night in fact.

fear

Ice climber

hartford, ct

Feb 10, 2015 - 07:41am PT

Burt got banned.... Too many caps...

Daphne

Trad climber

Northern California

Feb 10, 2015 - 09:09am PT

I saw him on Facebook the other day-- I am a woman so I didn't feel "enough" to friend him.

Gnome Ofthe Diabase

climber

Out Of Bed

Feb 10, 2015 - 11:35am PT

TAKE YOUR PICK;
1)A PRICKLESS WONDER WHO DID STEROIDS .

2)A WONDER WOMAN WITH A DICK,FROM LIFTING WEIGHTS AND DOING STEROIDS.

3)THE GUY WHO SINGEL HANDEDLY RUINED CLIMBING MAGAZINE, WHILE ON STEROIDS AND ANTI DEPRESSANTS.

4)LARGO HAVING A LAUGH AT HIS OWN EXPENSE.

nature

climber

Boulder, CO

Feb 10, 2015 - 12:00pm PT

5) ALL OF THE ABOVE

jgill

Boulder climber

The high prairie of southern Colorado

Feb 10, 2015 - 12:02pm PT

Oh, the sacrilege . . . what wimps we have become . . .

;>(

Ed Hartouni

Trad climber

Livermore, CA

Mar 18, 2016 - 12:17pm PT

BB BUMP

overwatch

climber

Arizona

Mar 18, 2016 - 02:21pm PT

Modern counterpart...Squirt Brownstain

survival

Big Wall climber

Terrapin Station

Mar 18, 2016 - 02:42pm PT

IS BURT BRONSON GOING TO VOTE FOR TRUMP???!!!

Jon Beck

Trad climber

Oceanside

Mar 18, 2016 - 05:12pm PT

WTF ^^^^^^, the man was living a double life, in the closet

Rock!...oopsie.

Trad climber

the pitch above you

Mar 18, 2016 - 06:17pm PT

From the obit Malemute posted:

Survived by his ... partner Andrew Dix

Uh, Burt had some stuff going on he really overcompensated for... NTTAWWT

ß Î Ø T Ç H

Boulder climber

ne'er–do–well

Jan 17, 2017 - 06:27pm PT

jgill

Boulder climber

The high prairie of southern Colorado

Jan 17, 2017 - 08:04pm PT

^^^ Burt Bronson would do that with one arm while dressed more stylishly.

jonnyrig

climber

Jan 17, 2017 - 08:07pm PT

Is that Bear Grylls?

WyoRockMan

climber

Grizzlyville, WY

Jan 17, 2017 - 10:41pm PT

that's low

Antarctica Alex
North Face One Piece Koflach Boot
Nice pic man, that's RAD

mcreel

climber

Barcelona

Jan 18, 2017 - 01:31am PT

Looks like Mickey's Beach after a few days of Polar Vortex.

Gunkie

Trad climber

Valles Marineris

Jan 18, 2017 - 05:22am PT

JAN 20 2005 - Last post by BURT BRONSON

Is BURT BRONSON buried under a serac? Wedged in the bottom of a huge and heinous chimney crack in the Karakoram? Hanging with the former most interesting man in the world?