Heavens To Betsy. Climbing and healing.

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drljefe

climber

El Presidio San Augustin del Tucson

Topic Author's Original Post - Sep 21, 2014 - 05:31pm PT

To all-

Please forgive the length of this story and the lack of filthy climbing shots.
It's pretty emotional and epic and about an easy route someplace you'll probably never go.
But it's something I needed to write and put out there as a release, a catharsis.
I hope you enjoy.

"What should we climb today?" , Eric asked.
I hadn't even thought about it, not in the days leading up and not on my solo hike in. I was just enjoying being out. Enjoying the moist earth, the views, the wildflowers and fragrances on the familiar trail. Just to be out again.

"We should do The Prairie Dogs", I said.

"The Prairie Dogs" was the tentative name we were giving to an unclimbed wall at the area where I spend all summer climbing. Eric and I had spied the wall from a distance at the end of last season and vowed to climb it this year. The skyline of the formation had some big chickenheads that, from the right angle, looked like a family of prairie dogs sitting up and surveying their domain.

At the beginning of summer I had big plans but the Prairie Dogs wasn't high on my list. I had projects!!! After a fairly lackluster end to last season, with dwindling partners and motivation and time, I was amping to work on some new hard routes. I had a handful of lines I'd top roped, installed anchors on, or just scoped out. Awesome, pretty hard routes that were logistically kind of difficult to rig for working or equipping as sport routes. But I was excited and spent the off season dreaming of those routes, visualizing sequences, remembering holds, acquiring gear, and waiting for the winter gate to open.
I even bought a cheap van to ensure I could spend each and every weekend close to the trailhead, cooking and sleeping in gluttonous alpine comfort, and with no excuses. The kind of excuses that come at 4:45am when you're cozy in bed at home and faced with an 1 1/2 hour drive and a 40 minute hike to get to a route you can't even do. I named the van "Morrison", Van Morrison. Together we would send… into the mystic.

Well the gate finally opened and once again I was short on partners. The usual suspects were focusing on remodels or r&r after a brutal work/school schedule, or just not into the hike. But I was on it, and any chance I could get to wrangle someone into helping with the logistics of the new routes, I took. We hung some ropes for next time but I still wasn't working on those PJ's. I did manage a nice little easy route with my Heartmate, though, we named it "Silly Goose" and it was perfect for her ability level, so that made me happy. But most of my time was spent alone, well I always have Rosebud with me.

One afternoon, as I waited for the sun to dip down below the ridge so I could hike out in the shade, I found myself investigating a face that I'd stared at countless times. It was right above camp and was steep and heavily featured. It was where we'd hide from the violent summer monsoons, the only dry spot around. My partners said they'd poked around up there but that the various lines went from "super hard to super easy", "impossible", and basically not worthy of a route. Well I pathed out a line of holds that looked like it would go and would make the most of the real estate the wall had to offer. I had a new project!

This route became my sole mission and I began the process of working it out by myself. It was a physical process, jugging, working moves, self belaying, and hand drilling on a route that was overhanging and traversing in nature. Combined with a 1200ft vertical deathmarch to get back to Morrison at the end of the day, I was beat by the end of each weekend, but energized.
And distracted.

Distracted.
You see, my sister Betsy's health was declining. She had been battling stage four cancer for the past two years, valiantly I may add. Finding a balance between spending time with her and living my own life was turning into less of a balancing act and more of a wrestling match. My new project had become a distraction, a way to get away from the fear and worry and sadness that had been consuming me. I saw my mom doing the same thing, finding ways to occupy herself, to distract herself from the thoughts of losing her daughter.

Here's a poem I wrote one afternoon, alone in the mountains, waiting for the sun to dip.
It kind of sums up what's kind of hard to say.

we straighten our bookshelves
organize drawers
we dust discard donate
a protocol of distraction
we walk miles alone
work the puzzle alone
not wanting to finish the puzzle
hoping it gets harder
that suddenly there are more books
more dust less holds
that nanometers get smaller
that our bended knees
our hands in prayer our songs
somehow work
that our tears were for nothing
but a salty kiss for Rose

I had been making progress on my project, now called the "No Kill Shelter". I was splitting the weekends by driving to Phoenix to be with my sister one day, and climbing the other. Balancing on the surface but wrestling on the inside. So when Betsy's health took a turn for the worse, there was no more wrestling. Family first, not my stupid project. No more balancing. My project could wait. Maybe I wouldn't even finish it this season, I didn't care anymore. It was time to focus on family.

I spent the next two months commuting two hours to Phoenix and being with my family and Betsy as she filled in the final chapter of her colorful story. It was so painful and sad, and yet amazing. The opportunity to sit with a loved one and connect, to mend, to laugh and cry, knowing time was limited, was a truly transformational experience and I'll feel forever fortunate for that time with her. As a family we bonded, we fractured, we healed, we strengthened. It was difficult and sad and special being with Betsy as she got closer and closer to the end of life.

My sister died on August 24th, just a few days shy of her birthday. It's so hard to hear myself say, but it was a relief. She was no longer in pain.

[Click to View YouTube Video]

Then another reality sets in. Aside from losing a loved one, there is much work to be done. Legal stuff and memorial preparations can leave little time for grieving or reflection. Fortunately, my sister's partner had lots of help but she also needed her space and time alone before the memorial. I wasn't needed in Phoenix to help but spent all my time with my mom, making sure she wasn't alone.

So we had date nights, me and my 82 year old mom. The evening after Betsy died we decided to take the new light rail for a ride and get some dinner. At each one of the light rail stops there is an art installation of some sort. The sculpture at the stop where we boarded is of a large bald head, comprised and shaped out of thousands of steel letters. Next to the giant head is an electrical box on top of a pole, plastered with the same letters, blown from the lips of the giant head. This installation is curated by the university's poetry center and the electrical box is actually a light ticker that reads out a different poem every day.

After dinner my mom and I stopped to read the poem it was displaying.
It was from Walt Whitman's "Song of Myself"

"I depart as air, I shake my white locks at the runaway sun,
I effuse my flesh in eddies, and drift it in lacy jags.
I bequeath myself to the dirt to grow from the grass I love,
If you want me again look for me under your boot-soles.
You will hardly know who I am or what I mean,
But I shall be good health to you nevertheless,
And filter and fibre your blood.
Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,
Missing me one place search another,
I stop somewhere waiting for you."

Our jaws dropped and tears fell. This was one of "those" moments.

Even with months of being able to process her inevitable passing, I was shattered by Betsy's death. It would be another week before her memorial and the first weekend in months that I wasn't to drive to Phoenix was here. My mom had plenty of support and a mound of well wishing notes and flowers to sort through. I knew where I had to go.

"Really?, Eric said. "Prairie Dogs? You want to go for it ground up? I haven't climbed in months, so you're leading if you want to go climb that."

"Yeah, me either bro. Let's go check it out!"

We had looked at the route from a distance last season, not the whole route, but a beautiful plated patina face that begged to be climbed. It looked to be about a pitch off the ground but we had not been to the base to see how we'd get up there. When we reached the base we were stoked to see a low angle seam leading straight up to the patina shield. Sweet!

There really is no feeling in climbing like taking off into the unknown. Every route you've never done is the "unknown" but when there is no guidebook showing you the way, telling you the difficulty or the protection available, it really is a different experience. Even if it looks easy, it may not be. It may be loose, or run out, or whatever. You have to rely on instinct, gut feelings, experience, and gumption.

So I took off, finding small but good protection in tiny pockets in the seam. Up ahead there was more protection and the climbing looked to stay easy so I kept going. What a treat it is to watch the way unfurl in front of you. A route that was meant to be climbed and waited millennia for you to come along.

After sixty feet or so I reached an obvious belay below the patina and brought Eric up. From up close and directly underneath, the face was much steeper but I was encouraged to see that the protection would be bomber and the holds solid and plentiful. Woohoo! The business!

I weaseled up a ways and dropped in a good stopper. And I mean dropped, it doesn't get any better. But you know what? I put another one in just cuz! It was time to establish myself on the steep wall, good hands but awkward feet. Just a few moves and my feet would be on the good holds and I could get some more protection in. Bam! No problem. I slung a big head and continued. Soon I was firmly established on my feet below the prairie dogs and let out a big hoot.

Now it was glory climbing time!

A hundred feet of chickenhead hiking later and nearing the end of my rope, I found myself at a comfy ledge. I got some ok pro and wedged in recliner style. Here I was, looking out over my hometown, finally climbing again, on a beautiful day.

I brought Eric up to the ledge, he reclined too and we enjoyed the view and talked about the pitch.
I'm an emotional person, and pretty open and expressive with my feelings. I started to tell Eric about how good it felt to be climbing again and about how difficult the last two months, two years actually, had been. I started crying. It was a messy cry, a happy cry, a release cry. A full on catharsis.

I realized that for the first time in two years rock climbing no longer felt like a selfish pursuit and that today I was reminded at how healing it could be. That being outside, far from a road, hundreds of feet off the ground on unexplored terrain, in a place I felt so comfortable…was what i needed. It was no longer a distraction, it was feeling it, facing it, expelling it, growing from it.

Less than a week after my sister's death and I just took a few huge steps in healing.
I'm so lucky to have an understanding partner who allowed me to let some sh!t out on that ledge, to let go, to sob, to say goodbye.

All the routes at our area have dog themed names. We had named this one Prairie Dogs before we had even climbed it.
On that ledge, after I stopped crying and thanking Eric for his friendship and understanding, I told him I had a special request,

I'd like to name the route

"Heavens To Betsy"

This route is by far not the best, or hardest, or most striking first ascent I've ever done.
But it sure is the most special, the most meaningful...
a reference point in my life and in my climbing career.

Thanks Bets, all my love, forever.

See you soon.

Thanks for reading

Ghost

climber

A long way from where I started

Sep 21, 2014 - 05:38pm PT

Sorry for your loss Jefe.

I wish I'd known her.

murcy

Gym climber

sanfrancisco

Sep 21, 2014 - 05:41pm PT

Wow, wonderful.

Mungeclimber

Trad climber

Nothing creative to say

Sep 21, 2014 - 05:43pm PT

understood. a worthy tribute.

Ezra Ellis

Trad climber

North wet, and Da souf

Sep 21, 2014 - 05:44pm PT

You are a good man Jeff, thanks for sharing.

With time it will hurt less, good for you for taking the first healing steps.

Cyber hug,
Ezra

bob

climber

Sep 21, 2014 - 05:52pm PT

Great share Jefe. Thank you thank you. Hope to maybe see you soon.

Bob J.

anita514

Gym climber

Great White North

Sep 21, 2014 - 05:56pm PT

My condolences to you and your family.
Thanks for sharing this touching and very private write up.

steelmnkey

climber

Vision man...ya gotta have vision...

Sep 21, 2014 - 05:58pm PT

Again, so sorry for your loss.
Glad to see you're walking the path you need to walk to heal.
She will be in your heart forever!

MisterE

Gym climber

Bishop, CA

Sep 21, 2014 - 06:02pm PT

So sorry Brother.

Sending big love your way from both of us.

klk

Trad climber

cali

Sep 21, 2014 - 06:06pm PT

sorry about yr sister. that's rough.

i had some rough times when i was in az, but still miss it.

thebravecowboy

climber

hold on tight boys

Sep 21, 2014 - 06:14pm PT

Thank you for sharing. Thank you for showing us that there is a way to do it all right. You are a good human, Jefe.

I liked this:

What a treat it is to watch the way unfurl in front of you. A route that was meant to be climbed and waited millennia for you to come along.

I am stealing it.

WBraun

climber

Sep 21, 2014 - 06:25pm PT

Within my heart I cried also ......

Capt.

climber

some eastside hovel

Sep 21, 2014 - 06:36pm PT

Well worded. Very sorry for you and yours. A proud tribute and a proud line.Sending positive vibes your direction.

nah000

climber

canuckistan

Sep 21, 2014 - 06:43pm PT

thank you.

peace.

Gnome Ofthe Diabase

climber

Out Of Bed

Sep 21, 2014 - 06:47pm PT

“May the four winds blow you safely home”
All of this is great
A wonderful tribute and a gift to us
I hope that it brings some healing
I read it twice
I am always in the presence of royalty here
“Thanx JEFE!”
I want to add more ....Gathered Like Lost Words..bang the drum and tap the tamborine

Also a love of my life who was also taken too soon, asked me not to look at the pictures I had taken of her, as her sickness took hold,
She wanted to be remembered as that sparkling eyed lovely healthy young girl before the fear and disease crept in and changed her eyes, the windows to her soul. we cried. and I still do.

Crimpergirl

Sport climber

Boulder, Colorado!

Sep 21, 2014 - 06:47pm PT

Beautiful. Thanks.

the albatross

Gym climber

Flagstaff

Sep 21, 2014 - 06:51pm PT

That was a sweet, wonderful, sad story. Thank you for sharing. It has been a dull month for many of us.

I think it was Kahlil Gibran that wrote something of this:
"What is sorrow but joy unmasked?"

Great tribute to your family and keep rocking on.

Albert

neebee

Social climber

calif/texas

Sep 21, 2014 - 06:54pm PT

hey there say, jefe... oh jefe... oh my... thank you for sharing your deep heart love for betsy... and your pain...

we learn from shares, you know... you can make others grow, due to sharing betsy's last journey with you, and your new journey without her...

and the trail of climbing, inspires others to go on--with who we are...
yet, to incorporate all that we learned and loved, from our lost-loved-one, INTO our future, but in new ways...

i love how you spent time, after with your mom...

as to this:

Distracted.
You see, my sister Betsy's health was declining. She had been battling stage four cancer for the past two years, valiantly I may add. Finding a balance between spending time with her and living my own life was turning into less of a balancing act an more of a wrestling match. My new project had become a distraction, a way to get away from the fear and worry and sadness that had been consuming me. I saw my mom doing the same thing, finding ways to occupy herself, to distract herself from the thoughts of losing her daughter.

when my daddy was dying, i just had no desire to do the spark of life things like painting, crafts or cards, but:

i found myself busy making, of all things:
SOCKS-- more and more socks, ... i just kept knitting...
it was like my mind, spirit and body, were fitting it all together, stitch by stitch, and my mind kept busy...
that was last winter...
now, this winter, i will wear all these socks, thinking of my dad, as if he were close by... sad, but somehow, a good thing...

and, i get to call my mom, twice a day now, since chappy helped me get long distance with the faster internet...

i can be of support to my mom now...

'heavens to betsy' may your inspiration from her, move through your
life, in many nurturing ways, to others...

i love the photo, you put here, of her... like she is leading you onward, to find a way, through this hard sad time of loss...

god bles, jefe... and to your mom, as well, and other family members...

RyanD

climber

Squamish

Sep 21, 2014 - 07:08pm PT

Thank you for sharing Jefe.
You highlight a great reminder of how finite & beautiful this life is.
My deepest condolences.

RIP Betsy.

tradmanclimbs

Ice climber

Pomfert VT

Sep 21, 2014 - 07:12pm PT

WOW!. So Sorry for your loss.

SC seagoat

Trad climber

Santa Cruz, or In What Time Zone Am I?

Sep 21, 2014 - 07:32pm PT

May peace and serenity stay with you.

From Wordsworth:
//“What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.” //

Susan

Kalimon

Social climber

Ridgway, CO

Sep 21, 2014 - 07:52pm PT

Jefe,

Thanks for sharing the incredible tribute to your sweet sister . . . "And the bonny boat was one . . ." Damn, you've got some fine stone in your hood . . . way to make the extra effort this season!

Heal on, heal us all.

kaholatingtong

Trad climber

Nevada City

Sep 21, 2014 - 07:56pm PT

Touching and inspiring. Good tribute. Cheers to you and yours, the wilderness can be a healing place, indeed.

ontheedgeandscaredtodeath

Social climber

SLO, Ca

Sep 21, 2014 - 08:26pm PT

Nice tribute! My Tucson roots just can't keep me from asking- kinda on the north side of the Rincons? That's the only place I can think of with that kind of granite where you can see town.

Anyway, I am sorry about your sister and best wishes.

this just in

climber

north fork

Sep 21, 2014 - 09:29pm PT

Best to you and your family Jefe . Beautiful pics and thread .

nita

Social climber

chica de chico, I don't claim to be a daisy.

Sep 21, 2014 - 09:47pm PT

drljefe..

Beautiful tribute to your sister..Very touching...thank you.

Give your Mom an extra hug from us...

Take care..
Saludos..
Much Love...
Nita..
[Click to View YouTube Video]

Leggs

Sport climber

Made in California

Sep 21, 2014 - 09:51pm PT

*tears*
I wish I could write more, but only tears come.

I love you.

BrassNuts

Trad climber

Save your a_s, reach for the brass...

Sep 21, 2014 - 09:53pm PT

Very nice tribute, thanks for sharing.

phylp

Trad climber

Millbrae, CA

Sep 21, 2014 - 09:58pm PT

What a beautiful tribute.
i loved the photo of your sister.

I remember when my Mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer I knew she only had 4 or 5 months to live. I spent as much time as I could with her there without losing my job and I was lucky to be there with her when she passed.

But in between I was here on the west coast and she was on the east and sometimes I went climbing. Climbing was some of the few moments she wasn't constantly in my thoughts, because as we all know, mostly when you climb there is only the now of climbing. I remember so clearly one moment sitting at the top of a route at Donner summit, looking at that gorgeous view of the Lake and thinking "My Mom will never see this beauty/my Mom will see this beauty through my eyes once she passes over".

One day not too long from now I hope to come to Arizona and then perhaps you will take me on that route.
Phyl

JOEY.F

Gym climber

It's not rocket surgery

Sep 21, 2014 - 10:23pm PT

Thanks for reading

It's so well written, thank you, please accept my condolences.

Leggs

Sport climber

Made in California

Sep 21, 2014 - 10:44pm PT

^ beautiful, Sullly

Wayno

Big Wall climber

Seattle, WA

Sep 21, 2014 - 10:48pm PT

Jefe, brother, do whatever has to be done and know that my heart is with you.

Your light is an anchor and you show it well.

clockclimb

Trad climber

Orem, Utah

Sep 21, 2014 - 10:52pm PT

Stunning poetic tribute to Betsy. Wonderful healthy attitude you have taken along this unwanted journey.

Clint Cummins

Trad climber

SF Bay area, CA

Sep 21, 2014 - 11:10pm PT

So good.
Thanks for sharing.

drljefe

climber

El Presidio San Augustin del Tucson

Topic Author's Reply - Sep 22, 2014 - 06:46am PT

Well, thanks for saying what you all said. Pretty nice stuff.

survival

Big Wall climber

Terrapin Station

Sep 22, 2014 - 07:36am PT

Jefe, that was great.

We have already talked some of this over, but never in the way you just wove this whole story. It's not easy to put a good piece together, with the pictures, the writing, the video. The writing especially takes some real thought, in how to hit the mark without rambling all over the place.

You have succeeded.

Going home, going home
by the waterside
I will rest my bones
and listen to the river
sing sweet songs
to rock my soul

skcreidc

Social climber

SD, CA

Sep 22, 2014 - 08:44am PT

This will be the only post I read today. Thoughtful, introspective, insightful, and creative, it brought tears to my eyes. Your sister brought out some of the best in you. May she rest in peace.

Chris

Barbarian

climber

Sep 22, 2014 - 08:56am PT

Yes. To Betsy!
This was a truly beautiful post. Thank you!

ionlyski

Trad climber

Kalispell, Montana

Sep 22, 2014 - 08:58am PT

Wow! I like it all. Great name choice too! I want to climb it, if it's allowed that is but only with your blessing. Did you put a grade on the route? I know this is about so much more than the route and it's grade.

I'm coming down to your area, first time in my life, to climb in early November.

Arne

clinker

Trad climber

Santa Cruz, California

Sep 22, 2014 - 09:27am PT

Thanks for sharing. Beautiful.

HighTraverse

Trad climber

Bay Area

Sep 22, 2014 - 09:45am PT

Each of us has to find our own way through the untimely loss of a close family member.
Betsy would be proud of you. As I'm sure your Mom is.

guyman

Social climber

Moorpark, CA.

Sep 22, 2014 - 01:30pm PT

Thank you for writing the story....

Jaybro

Social climber

Wolf City, Wyoming

Sep 23, 2014 - 05:50am PT

I'm at a loss for words, Jefe. Truly beautiful!

TwistedCrank

climber

Released into general population, Idaho

Sep 23, 2014 - 06:23am PT

Spam debump

Stewart Johnson

climber

lake forest

Sep 23, 2014 - 06:25am PT

Excellent

mike m

Trad climber

black hills

Sep 23, 2014 - 06:28am PT

What a great memorial to your sister.

survival

Big Wall climber

Terrapin Station

Sep 23, 2014 - 06:36am PT

Love this spirit TR!!!

HighDesertDJ

Trad climber

Sep 23, 2014 - 06:54am PT

Jefe, I am so sorry about your sister, brother. A very touching eulogy. I hope you are doing well and am thinking of you.

survival

Big Wall climber

Terrapin Station

Sep 23, 2014 - 07:10am PT

Jefe Awesomeness bump!!

Charlie D.

Trad climber

Western Slope, Tahoe Sierra

Sep 23, 2014 - 07:41am PT

Thanks jefe, Heavens to Betsy straight from your heart....great work. My sincerest condolences to you and your family.

Charlie D.

k-man

Gym climber

SCruz

Sep 23, 2014 - 08:15am PT

Heavens ...

clarkolator

climber

Sep 23, 2014 - 08:23am PT

Thanks - I took care of my Dad when he died this year, and reading your story brought the whole thing back, in a good way, feels like healing. You have a gift.

yanqui

climber

Balcarce, Argentina

Sep 23, 2014 - 10:19am PT

Transcendent ... thanks for explaining the meaning of those pictures I was seeing.

telemon01

Trad climber

Montana

Sep 23, 2014 - 06:18pm PT

Powerful stuff jefe

Much respect...

mike m

Trad climber

black hills

Sep 23, 2014 - 08:47pm PT

BTW that route looks awesome. If it isn't the best in the area then that is a damn fine area. Is it on Mt. Lemmon?

survival

Big Wall climber

Terrapin Station

Sep 23, 2014 - 08:50pm PT

Best thread going.

Scott McNamara

climber

Tucson, Arizona

Sep 23, 2014 - 08:59pm PT

Beautiful, Jefe!

Bad Climber

climber

Sep 24, 2014 - 06:10am PT

Well, damn, Jefe. That's quite a story on many levels.

Peace, brother, to you and your sister.

Climb on...

BAd

stilltrying

Trad climber

washington indiana

Sep 24, 2014 - 08:40am PT

Best post I have ever read on supertopo. Sorry you lost your sister. Thanks for a wonderful account of your climb and your innermost thoughts.

Heyzeus

climber

Hollywood,Ca

Sep 24, 2014 - 10:31am PT

Wow. Very moving piece, thank you.
I love the name!

StahlBro

Trad climber

San Diego, CA

Sep 24, 2014 - 10:35am PT

Beautiful Jeje.

Very glad you chose to share it with us.

Rob

10b4me

climber

Sep 24, 2014 - 10:55am PT

Very nice, and poignant. Condolences to you, drljefe.

atchafalaya

Boulder climber

Sep 24, 2014 - 11:31am PT

Jefe,

Beautiful writing and an amazing story.

Hope your well and climbing all the time brother.

Tex

Lollie

Social climber

I'm Lolli.

Sep 24, 2014 - 12:37pm PT

Beautiful and heartrending. So sorry for your loss, jefe.

micronut

Trad climber

Fresno/Clovis, ca

Sep 24, 2014 - 12:48pm PT

Jefe,

Your story has struck a chord with all of us. Your journey sincere. Your path one that we can all relate too. Your writing has drawn us in and shared this special corner of your life. Thank you. We mourn and smile with you. Strangers. But friends. What a sweet tale. made my day. Thank you. Let your healing take its sweet time.

Scott

RyanD

climber

Squamish

Sep 24, 2014 - 01:38pm PT

Bump

drljefe

climber

El Presidio San Augustin del Tucson

Topic Author's Reply - Sep 24, 2014 - 05:48pm PT

Thanks again.

Sharing a very personal part of yourself online can be liberating.

Hang loose supertopo

Leggs

Sport climber

Made in California

Sep 24, 2014 - 05:58pm PT

I love that hat, Jef.

:)

Kalimon

Social climber

Ridgway, CO

Sep 24, 2014 - 07:08pm PT

"Flight of the seabirds . . . scattered like lost words . . ."

Rugged

climber

Berkeley

Sep 24, 2014 - 08:16pm PT

Thanks for a beautiful post.
Bob

steelmnkey

climber

Vision man...ya gotta have vision...

Sep 24, 2014 - 08:40pm PT

Hey Jefe - sometime in October, we should try to get together for a trip up to Granite Mountain for a few pitches. I'm rehabbing a bad shoulder, so I might not be able to do anything too hard, but I'll get up something. To borrow a line from a 20+ year old climbing video, "It's a healing place...a restorative place!"

Studly

Trad climber

Sep 24, 2014 - 08:49pm PT

Wonderfully written and very moving, and a cool tribute.

Peter Haan

Trad climber

Santa Cruz, CA

Sep 25, 2014 - 12:14pm PT

mike m

Trad climber

black hills

Sep 26, 2014 - 10:25am PT

FRUMY

Trad climber

Bishop,CA

Sep 26, 2014 - 11:27am PT

Thanks for Posting that. Best to you.

Seamstress

Trad climber

Yacolt, WA

Sep 26, 2014 - 11:56am PT

Beautiful.

Dibs

Trad climber

Hobart

Oct 7, 2014 - 07:45pm PT

From your simple and apologetic opening paragraph this is a compelling read. Thanks for sharing your feelings and thoughts through a hard time. A strong sense of connection comes through your writing and it feels like healing when reading it too. I am sorry for your loss Jefe.

pk_davidson

Trad climber

Albuquerque, NM

Oct 12, 2014 - 08:36pm PT

Rough road life leads on us sometimes Jefe.
How we handle those washboards says much about our characters.
Thanks for exposing and sharing a deep part of yours.

I know this resonates with me and I suspects anyone else who has lost loved ones.

I feel for you man.
May your healing continue as peacefully as it has started.

drljefe

climber

El Presidio San Augustin del Tucson

Topic Author's Reply - Oct 12, 2014 - 09:24pm PT

Thanks Paul and everyone else too.

"Look for me under your boot soles"

drljefe

climber

El Presidio San Augustin del Tucson

Topic Author's Reply - Nov 23, 2014 - 04:52pm PT

So this story left off a few months ago, shortly after my sister's death. I was riding high after such a therapeutic day in the mountains.

Betsy's memorial came soon after and it was a beautiful outpouring of love and emotion from family, the arts community in Phoenix, and the many students she impacted as a teacher and mentor.
Then, just like that, POW!...time to get back to work and life and being "normal". Right, easier said than done.

One way I've tried to stay positive through this loss is to try to "Listen to Betsy". In the last two years of her life I watched her truly live, even through all the fear. She was spontaneous, she had fun, traveled, connected and reconnected with friends, and didn't worry about money. She was not about to curl up in a dark ball and let what life she had left pass her by.
So that's what I was going to do, I was going to live like Bets.

I took my first proper road trip of the year. I visited favorite places, I saw live music, stayed in nice hotel rooms, went surfing. I splurged in my own way and had a blast.

It was a great break but the road trip could only last so long, unfortunately I had to return to work, and life, and working through the grieving process in a more mundane fashion.

Again I felt the loss, every day. Occasionally I would smell my sister's smell, or hear her laugh, or think about our last talks.
Fortunately, Tucson hosts the All Souls Procession, a Dia de los Muertos celebration with 100,000 participants all remembering, honoring, grieving, and celebrating their loved ones who have passed. It's a tradition for me but this year was special.

One thing I wasn't doing was climbing, save for a day here and there, and the clock was ticking.

Ticking because the area where I climb all summer is accessed by a road that closes when the first winter storms arrive. At the beginning of the season I carry loads down to the spot and cache my gear all summer.
Well my gear was still down there, ropes and draws hanging on projects, and the polar vortex making its way south.
I was dreading the task of hauling out my gear, and going there alone.
It's strange.
The spot that I think about all winter, the climbs I focused on all summer, the area I've spent so much time alone...I was dreading returning to. I procrastinated. I bailed on myself multiple weekends. I just couldn't get myself to go.
Finally, I had to go. Holiday obligations, impending weather, I had one last chance.

I was happy to see the gate still open and once we were hiking the dread faded, beauty and familiarity reigned.

It was so great to be back and alone. Well, Rosie's always with me.

The weather was absolutely perfect. I scampered around, rounding up gear and pulling ropes.
But the thought of hiking, packing up, and hiking out without climbing something would just end the season on a lackluster note, especially after such a heavy summer.

I've never considered myself a soloist but again this year, to end the season on a special note, I found myself unroped hundreds of feet off the ground...

...and the route happened to be Heavens to Betsy.

Needless to say, it was an emotional experience, at least once I topped out.
While I was climbing I've never felt so free. Focused but free.
I guess sometimes to affirm life, we do things where the consequence of failure is death.

And my wee little partner was waiting for me on top!

A final goodbye, til next year

Then came the brutal hike out.
I call these the
"Tricks of the Trudge"...

Music and caffeine!

So I guess this ends the saga of Heavens to Betsy, the route, but the good memories of my sister will never fade.

This year has been the toughest of my life.
My journey has played itself out through my relationship with this out-of-the-way climbing area and the climbs I've found, focused on, failed on, and found healing through.

I want to thank leggs, all my friends, and all of you here for the support and encouragement through all my ups and downs.
Even if I don't know you, it's meant the world to me.

Thanks for reading.

And for those of you so inclined, get your asses down here next year. There are projects waiting!!!

Leggs

Sport climber

Made in California

Nov 23, 2014 - 04:56pm PT

Beautiful, honey... just beautiful.
This was indeed a heavy summer, and you handled it with grace, love, patience, humor, honesty, and thoughtfulness.
It has been an honor to be by your side, where I will always be.

See you soon. ~xx

Scott McNamara

climber

Tucson, Arizona

Nov 23, 2014 - 05:04pm PT

Nice, Jefe!

Leggs

Sport climber

Made in California

Nov 23, 2014 - 06:13pm PT

[Click to View YouTube Video]

Leggs

Sport climber

Made in California

Nov 23, 2014 - 07:18pm PT

Filmed in July... in Morrison, the Van.
Raw, real... LiFe.

[Click to View YouTube Video]

You are loved and supported by amazing people, near and far. ~xx

ionlyski

Trad climber

Kalispell, Montana

Nov 23, 2014 - 08:20pm PT

Hi Jefe,
I'll be down there as soon as I can, maybe springtime. So, my Dad finally passed on November 7th, and as you know, his final chapter is what caused the cancellation of my planned trip to Cochise Stronghold. But I'll look you up and hopefully we can climb something in honor of my father and your sister.

Cheers,
Arne

PS. The friend I was going to make the trip with, ended up finding another partner and made the flight to Tuscon. He came back with glowing reports of such an incredible area. You must understand, Cochise is mythical to us and not many Montanans probably make it down there to climb; ever. I can't wait to explore your area.

Leggs

Sport climber

Made in California

Nov 23, 2014 - 08:47pm PT

I captured this moment during the Thanksgiving holiday many years ago...
and it's one of my favorites... this year will be different, I know... but I KNOW your family will make sure it's a celebration of Life... always.
I love you, Lobbs.

RyanD

climber

Squamish

Nov 23, 2014 - 09:47pm PT

Very nice Jefe. Glad that for a moment there you found such peace in such a beautiful place, on such a fine route. Thanks for the share, peace to you & Betsy.

nita

Social climber

chica de chico, I don't claim to be a daisy.

Nov 23, 2014 - 10:24pm PT

*
Jefe..
Another heart felt tribute to your Sister ...
Thank you for your beautiful words..pictures and taking us on your travels...

Paz..Y...Saludos..
xo
Nita

Just cuz I also love Ryan's music...
[Click to View YouTube Video]
[Click to View YouTube Video]
[Click to View YouTube Video]

ps...give your Mama a hug from me...

hashbro

Trad climber

Mental Physics........

Nov 23, 2014 - 10:39pm PT

credible thread Jefe......thank you for giving this to us

survival

Big Wall climber

Terrapin Station

Nov 23, 2014 - 11:04pm PT

Way cool Jefe.

Awesome Wharf Rat Nita!

I knew there was a reason I liked Ryan Adams......

SC seagoat

Trad climber

Santa Cruz, or In What Time Zone Am I?

Nov 23, 2014 - 11:35pm PT

So powerful. So humbling. So full of promise.

Susan

Norwegian

Trad climber

dancin on the tip of god's middle finger

Nov 24, 2014 - 04:52am PT

we're all underdogs, here.

jefe i admire your comeback.

you get back up well.

Leggs

Sport climber

Made in California

Nov 24, 2014 - 10:50am PT

Love Bump

Big Mike

Trad climber

Nov 24, 2014 - 11:32am PT

I knew those pictures were special before you told the tale bro. The words you have written have added soul to that feeling the images generated. Thank you for that.

It seems tragedy is a castalst for change and self-reflection. I have a few loose ends to tie up here before i can get away again, but Cochise is calling my name and i'm trying very hard these days not to pass on great offers from good people.

My best to you and Leggs. I know she's hurting too.

drljefe

climber

El Presidio San Augustin del Tucson

Topic Author's Reply - Nov 25, 2014 - 05:36pm PT

Right on big mike.

east side underground

climber

Hilton crk,ca

Nov 25, 2014 - 05:47pm PT

sorry for your loss jefe.....cheers , paul

Darwin

Trad climber

Seattle, WA

Nov 26, 2014 - 09:07am PT

A very moving tribute to your sister. My heart is broken, but my thoughts are with you and your family.

Darwin
(missed this in September)

drljefe

climber

El Presidio San Augustin del Tucson

Topic Author's Reply - Mar 30, 2015 - 08:38pm PT

Bump because I'm going to send that f*#king project soon.

steelmnkey

climber

Vision man...ya gotta have vision...

Mar 30, 2015 - 08:41pm PT

Make it happen Jefe!!! Let it all hang out!!!
See you soon! We'll have a beer or two and toast to your success!!

this just in

climber

Justin Ross from North Fork

Mar 30, 2015 - 08:46pm PT

With that kinda attitude you will Jefe. Get some.

drljefe

climber

El Presidio San Augustin del Tucson

Topic Author's Reply - Mar 30, 2015 - 08:49pm PT

Well, it's started to get hot here so the season begins now.
It's on, gonna put that thing to rest.
Full circle.

adam d

climber

Mar 30, 2015 - 09:42pm PT

Se puede!

thebravecowboy

climber

Greyrock, CO

Mar 30, 2015 - 10:05pm PT

There really is no feeling in climbing like taking off into the unknown

drljefe

climber

El Presidio San Augustin del Tucson

Topic Author's Reply - Aug 4, 2015 - 07:58pm PT

Bump.

It's been almost a year.
August might be a hard month.
But the last bolt has been installed...
I'm getting back into shape....
Just need a belay!!!
The project's going down soon!
Gonna crush that thing....
For Bets!!!!

(yeah, that's pre spray) :-)

tradmanclimbs

Ice climber

Pomfert VT

Aug 5, 2015 - 02:49am PT

Sending positive thoughts.

skcreidc

Social climber

SD, CA

Aug 5, 2015 - 05:49am PT

Yea Jefe! Good thoughts being sent your way.

thebravecowboy

climber

The Good Places

Aug 5, 2015 - 08:47am PT

long-term healing and climbing goals bump for the brotha!

Gnome Ofthe Diabase

climber

Out Of Bed

Aug 5, 2015 - 09:10am PT

Peace and love to all!

GDavis

Social climber

SOL CAL

Aug 5, 2015 - 10:46am PT

One of the hardest parts of losing someone close is letting go and allowing yourself to live the life they want for you and be the person they know you can be. Go get it!