Discussion Topic |
|
This thread has been locked |
| Messages 1 - 13 of total 13 in this topic |
wbw
climber
'cross the great divide
|
|
|
Topic Author's Original Post - Aug 19, 2011 - 05:13pm PT
|
I don't know why I'm posting this here, which might be a good reason not to. Nonetheless, I am embarking on what may be the most difficult period of time in my life, and am keeping a journal for the first time ever. My first entry below . .
3:34 a.m.
Oh God, this hurts so bad. Three hours of sleep and I'm up again
crying like a baby, because I'm missing my own babies so much, that I feel
devastated and hopeless. And this is just the third day of it all. But I am anything but normal, because normal fathers do not have their parental rights stolen from them. How will this all feel when it's been one week, two weeks, a month, six months (??) that I have not been allowed to father my two wonderful children? How long will it be before I have a home with them again? Will they have forgotten me?
Will they forget how I read with them, wash them, brush their teeth, sing with them, cook with them and laugh with them. Will they have forgotten how we go to the pool, the library, my workplace, the grocery, to destinations far away both inside and outside the USA. Will they have forgotten how we kick the soccer ball, do homework together while eating oatmeal at 6:00 a.m., and read Juevos Verde con Jamon together for the 100th time at bedtime? Will they forget how I watch them when they play Smurfs, or play at the park, or when we fly our kite? Will they forget how I always try to coax at least one more bite of dinner for them to have, how we share a toast of ice water together because somehow its the most amazing thing that ice cubes and water can be mixed together to produce something that chases the 90 degree heat out of our house for a few minutes, and how we eat ice cream together and grunt a satisfying hmmmmmm
after each bite. Will they forget my enchiladas they they love so much, how we bump knucks and high five , and how they race to the front door every time I arrive home screaming Papi! at the top of their lungs. Will they forget all of those free cookies and free samples of cheese at King Soopers, all of the school events that I have gone to with them,
how I kiss them and check on them at least two different times between their bedtime and when I go to bed? Will they forget how I kiss and hold them with the absolute knowledge that life simply does not get better than having your kids love you, and you them?
It is killing me to believe that right now C as an 8 year old big sister,
may have the role of consoling her 4 year old little brother in his confusion about why his Papi just left without so much as a hug. She couldn't possibly understand that herself.
It hurts so SO bad that I just want to die, but I can't be that 20 year old boy anymore. MY KIDS NEED ME TO BE THERE FOR THEM, and for a while, at least, that means not being there with them. Oh God,
it hurts so bad . . .
|
|
Seamstress
Trad climber
Yacolt, WA
|
|
|
Aug 19, 2011 - 06:02pm PT
|
You've said so much about your love for your kids and so little about how you got here.
This much I can tell you. No matter what, they will never forget you. Children always yearn for that which is missing. My son's father voluntarily left him before he was born and did not seek to see his child for many years. My son still missed him and yearned for that father's love, even when he had a stepfather and many others in his life. The father can not be replaced. You occupy a place in their hearts. That will be impossible to fill, only you can fill it.
Whatever the reason, the child will forgive because they need you. There are moments you will miss. If and when you can make that connection with them again, they will want it as much as you do - even if there is some protective reserve for a few moments.
|
|
nutjob
Gym climber
Berkeley, CA
|
|
|
Aug 19, 2011 - 06:24pm PT
|
By far the hardest thing I've done in my life was to give up that level of intimacy with my kids to create the space for a better life for me, my ex, and the kids. All they know is it hurts them, and they can't relate to the alternatives. Maybe they'll understand some day, but I won't count on it.
I try to make my happiness a function of my own actions rather than others' acceptance.
If you search your heart and you believe you are doing the right thing, then learn to be at peace with that.
|
|
couchmaster
climber
pdx
|
|
|
Aug 19, 2011 - 06:37pm PT
|
Wow, strong stuff. Strive to do your very best for your kids, and forgive yourself if you feel you have ever fallen down on that goal. Kids are more flexible than most of us thing and will do fine.
Good luck!
|
|
graniteclimber
Trad climber
The Illuminati -- S.P.E.C.T.R.E. Division
|
|
|
Aug 19, 2011 - 06:46pm PT
|
But I am anything but normal, because normal fathers do not have their parental rights stolen from them.
What happened? Howe were they stolen from you?
|
|
wbw
climber
'cross the great divide
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Aug 19, 2011 - 06:49pm PT
|
Maybe a more descriptive title of this first post would be a father's journey of pain. Prior to becoming a dad, I was a pretty typical climber type, that thought travel and climbing offered the highest highs possible.
I never could have imagined going through what I am now.
Seamstress and others, thanks for your kind thoughts. As of now, I cannot say too much, because of a legal situation. I will tell you that for nearly ten years I have tried to hold a marriage and family together while my spouse has suffered from depression (that has been diagnosed by doctors). I will also say that it is astonishing how quickly one's parental rights can be stolen over accusations that are not true. If and when my situation is resolved in the way I want, which I think is a possibility, my kids will not want (or expect) an apology from me for anything. That is not to say that I am a perfect person or father; I am not.
The mistake that I have made is not "walking away" from a volatile situation, and marriage fast enough. The desire to raise my kids in a two parent family have perhaps been more of a priority for me than it should have been.
|
|
graniteclimber
Trad climber
The Illuminati -- S.P.E.C.T.R.E. Division
|
|
|
Aug 19, 2011 - 06:51pm PT
|
I have tried to hold a marriage and family together while my spouse has suffered from depression (that has been diagnosed by doctors).
You better get them back then.
|
|
nutjob
Gym climber
Berkeley, CA
|
|
|
Aug 19, 2011 - 07:27pm PT
|
My father moved out when I was 9 and no he did not give me a hug and tell me what was going on. I came home to an upset mother and no dad. I'm sorry to hear that Silver. My father left when I was 4 yrs old (I remember the Uhaul trailer pulling out of the driveway, that's it), and I saw him throughout my childhood a few times per year. I'm 37, he recently turned 65, and I'm wrestling with guilt for not calling to say happy birthday and ancient anger for him just not being a part of my life. There is more to the story I now know, but I'm not emotionally settled with it.
My kids were 4 and 6 when I moved out for the last time (after a year of separation but coming there every night to play with them and tuck them into bed, then a year back home trying to "work things out" with the ex to know avail). After the last separation, I spent 9 months trying to be patient and hoping for an amicable divorce, during which the ex granted zero overnights for the kids with me despite my persistent requests. I hired lawyers, my ex went from ignoring me to filing paperwork about me being a child abuser and absentee father and made false 911 calls to support her exclusive custody. When I showed my lawyers evidence where it was possible to counter specific lies, they said "the judge expects everyone is lying, it doesn't matter."
I spent lots o' money on lawyers and custody evaluators, and in 3 years I got to the present situation (1st/3rd/5th weekends and midweek visits and half of vacations). There is a limited amount that parents can tell small children about why such things are happening. The best that can be done in ugly circumstances is to tell and show them they are loved.
The main problem is that for kids, a parent being absent is a form of showing them they are not loved. That is a basic fact and barrier to trust that is hard to overcome during short time with the kids, no matter how much I hug them or dedicate 100% of my time focused on them when they are with me. That is the crux of the sacrifice I made for myself and for them to spare us all the worse fate of my ex and I staying together (completely unreasonable behavior that escalates to mutual physical violence if I don't walk away or let my very basic requests and personal boundaries be trampled).
Some people bring about the worst in us; this was the case from the very first weeks with me ex, and over 12 years of marriage. In the last 3 years I've had the beautiful experience of living with a different person; I can't imagine a situation where we would have more than a mild disagreement. We never call each other names, disrespect each other, and the idea of physical violence just seems ridiculous. We've been in plenty of situations where we are tired/stressed/threatened etc. but we can always communicate in a way that recognizes we're on the same team and fighting an external threat. This is still not the case for my ex an I, where co-parenting issues will always be difficult.
|
|
drljefe
climber
El Presidio San Augustin del Tucson
|
|
|
Aug 19, 2011 - 08:52pm PT
|
Man, the summertime blues are going around.
Be strong.
|
|
survival
Big Wall climber
A Token of My Extreme
|
|
|
Aug 19, 2011 - 09:20pm PT
|
So many of us have been through big pain, involving our kids and so on.
When my first marriage began to disintegrate, I made a choice early on that I was going to be a FULL, FUNCTIONING, PARTICIPATING person in their lives.
I wanted my kids to feel about me the way I felt about my dad.
I may not have reached that high bar, but they get it.
It took a lot of work, a lot of compromise, a lot of struggle, but it worked.
Some people just wallow in their torment by taking it out on the "other" and the kids become suffering pawns in an adult game of pain.
Others decide the kids are worth working together at deeply strained levels to have the healthiest outcome.
Fortunately, my ex and I fell into the second group. The grown kids feel loved and needed by us both without extreme levels of poison toward the other.
But it wasn't easy....................
|
|
wbw
climber
'cross the great divide
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Aug 20, 2011 - 12:39pm PT
|
Most of what I'm reading here is giving me reason for hope, something that is very difficult to come by at 3:00 in the morning, when you're already sleep deprived. Thank you. (Maybe this is the reason I made my original post.)
|
|
wbw
climber
'cross the great divide
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Aug 22, 2011 - 10:53am PT
|
7:45 p.m.
It's reading time with the kids. Is it the Transformers tonight? or Dr. Suess, or Five Little Monkeys? Goodnight Moon? Naw, not Goodnight Moon because even our four year old seems to have outgrown that one. (Too bad, I could read that to my two children every night forever, as it is certainly
my all time favorite; such beautiful, sweet, dreamy images that make not one reference to arguing parents, depressed Mommy's, fathers that don't always deal with it in the perfect way, and for the time being are not allowed to come back home.
"Reading time", for right now, rips my heart right out of my chest, and leaves an emptiness and heartbreak that hurts so much. 8 years ago, when I became a dad, I quickly discovered how wonderful reading time is, and I have continued reading with my daughter, and and also my son when he was born, almost every night. Now, we just pile onto the top of the bed, the kids inside the bed staying warm and snugly, and we read in English, sometimes Spanish. Each night they beg me for just one more when I finally tell them that it is bed time. Then the expected posturing of "can I have just one more glass of water?", or "maybe I need to go to the bath room one more time", or "can I leave the light on for a while", or perhaps even, "Papi, I'm scared. Can I get in your bed for a while?"
Each night is the same, each night I shake my head in wonder about we ever could have been so fortunate to have these two perfect little people come into our lives, and teach us what life is really about.
I don't anticipate being able to sleep through the pain tonight. .
|
|
wbw
climber
'cross the great divide
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Aug 23, 2011 - 10:50am PT
|
10:00 a.m.
A painful trip home to get some things that I'll need for a while, in this case a part of my painful journey. A beautiful little note and homemade scarf made for me by my daughter, looking around the house which is our home and feeling like I'm being force-exiled to some remote corner of the planet, sadness; deep and at times, overwhelming sadness.
Starting life anew has always been anxiety-ridden for me, maybe because as a child we moved around so many times. This next possibile phase in life for me is especially full of anxiety because it represents a possible change in the amount of time I get to spend with my children. Who's going to get up with our 8 year old at 6:00 a.m. and work with her on her homework? Who's going to kick the soccer ball with our 4 year old? I reorganized my old life around the responsibilities and joys of fatherhood, and of having a family.
I'm coming to terms with the liklihood that I'll soon be single again, in some ways that is feeling easier to accept than what I would have thought.
I haven't yet accepted the changes that will come in all of this with my children, and for now at least, it is like a lead weight on my shoulders.
|
|
| Messages 1 - 13 of total 13 in this topic |
|
SuperTopo on the Web
|
Let us know!