It was my first time rock climbing in the great outdoors. It had only been a month since I decided to take up this new hobby after years of claiming to be afraid of heights.  I spent a month in a climbing gym learning the basics and finding that although I had freakish upper body strength from years of triathlons and swimming- I had zero technique. So after a month of top roping up to 5.11a in a gym and reading Rock Climbing for Dummies, my more accomplished climbing friend, Adam, had the courage and patience to teach me how to climb on real rock. So last Sunday, on a beautiful spring day, we went to Consumnes River Gorge for Climbing 101. 

On my first climb, which I later disheartenly learned was only a measly 5.6, all prior climbing knowledge went out the window. Where were the foot holds I was used to at the gym? Adam insisted they were there as he pointed out minuscule ridges in the face of the granite. Alas, I decided to do a giant pull up as I heard him shouting, "Use your feet- you have feet!" Low and behold I ended up resting half pulled up on the top of the rocky ledge with my ass up in the air- but I didn't care how gracelessly I did it- I finally climbed something outside.

After reclimbing that route the correct way, we went on to a 5.9 crack climb where Adam effortlessly demonstrated the lie back climbing position. However, on my first attempt, in my infinite wisdom, I decided to move sideways at the crux and soon learned by getting stuck, that I should just stick with my friend's beta and not come up with my own ideas for now. 

Eventually we moved on to a slightly more steep crack climb where I used unorthodox methods of using my thigh to jam holds, which although must've been entertaining, I'm sure I won't be seeing it demonstrated in any climbing book soon. At one point I realized I couldn't go any further and I called out for a break, and even though he had me tight with a top rope, I didn't release my death grip from the rock. 

Adam called out to me to rest and let go of the rock. I shook out my right hand while still grasping the granite with my left. 

He called out again, "No- rest both arms." I knew what he wanted me to do but instead I just switched out arms- one holding on, one resting. 

Exasperated he called out, "No- rest both arms at the same time." 

But I was afraid to let go of the rock.  

Not because of a fear of heights or of falling, but a fear of losing my place on the rock.  I spent so much energy to get where I was, I feared taking a momentary break would make me lose my position and cause me to have to redo all the work I’d done.  I didn’t want to end up swinging over a ledge and not be able to get back to it.  Part of it was sheer stubbornness- not wanting to cry uncle or admit that I really needed a break.  But in the end, ignoring self-preservation and just letting go was exactly what I needed to do in order to get to where I wanted to go.  Yes- in letting go of the rock, I lost my perfect footing, and I had to re-angle my way back to start again; but, in letting go, I saw a new way to move forward, a flicker of hope in a new approach that I wouldn’t have seen if I hadn’t let go for a new perspective.  I learned that clinging to something, regardless of what it is in life, will get you no where but a lot of used up energy and pain.  So while using the lie back position, I had to learn to push off from the one thing I wanted most, and some how, some way, that opposite force, like a cross-handed blessing, created the safety and security I needed in order to move on.  And as I painstakingly inched my way up to the crux that stood between me and my goal of the next ledge or the next hold, I learned that although thinking things through along the way was wise, there was also a point I had to stop standing on the ledge and just have the courage to go for it before I lost the moment of opportunity.  

After five hours of climbing, multiple scrapes, and a few choice words under my breath, I walked away with an addict's grin.  I fell in love with climbing, just for the sheer parallels it taught me about tackling the dilemmas in life. 

I used to be afraid of heights, and I'm sure my climbing partners think I have a fear of falling, but in rock climbing and in life- it's neither- I just have a fear of failing. But sometimes, I'm learning, the only way not to fail- is to simply let go, in order to begin again. 

And after this first climb, this is certainly just the beginning...