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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 24, 2010 - 07:22pm PT
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Just wanted to wish all following this thread a happy Thanksgiving! I am thankful for you all.
May your climbs be eventful, yet not tragic. And may you live to see all your eyes wish to.
Much Love,
Paul & Ruth
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Seamstress
Trad climber
Yacolt, WA
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Nov 24, 2010 - 09:54pm PT
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Wish to see you in the New Year!
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Nov 25, 2010 - 10:03am PT
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Happy Thanksgiving to you too! You have certainly reminded us of what's important in life and what we need to be thankful for. Here's to many more in your future!
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go-B
climber
Matthew 25:40
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Nov 25, 2010 - 09:15pm PT
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A toast to you Paul, and prayers too!
God Bless
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 26, 2010 - 10:33am PT
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That last post makes NO SENSE!!!
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ncrockclimber
climber
NC
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Nov 26, 2010 - 11:13am PT
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Happy belated Turkey Day. Keep up the good work! I am so happy for you and look forward to hearing more great news about your recovery.
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Tony Bird
climber
Northridge, CA
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Nov 26, 2010 - 11:13am PT
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that wasn't a post, paul, it was spam stuffed with spam. hope the rest of y'all did better with thanksgiving dinner--i sure did.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 27, 2010 - 01:55pm PT
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Talking In MY Head
Disease ..................Unease .............. Not at ease ............. Sicker ........... Healthier ....... Happy .........
Sad .................. Angry .................... Silly................ Despondent …......... Overjoyed ........................
Dead or Alive ???????????????????????? ….................... Confused.
That's pretty much the short version of my illness up to now.
I find myself in a conflicting place. The tumors are shrinking, yet my mind is not at ease. I spent so much time and mind on accepting my own death that now the prospect of a longer than expected future seems....well, daunting.
I have always been an optimistic pessimist. I hope for the best but really believe its all going to hit the fan in the end. Part of the way I dealt with my supposedly impending death was to catalog the parts of life that annoyed me, that I despised, that scared me to death. I reasoned that at least my inadequacies would end with the rest of me. And I hoped to be remembered only for the things I bragged about, not the flaws.
I'm not that good at dying. I yell and scream at the Nothing. I bounce up and down in my head. And I cling to and push away the one I love, all at the same time, because I don't want to, but feel I can't help hurting her. I sink in a soup of “What the F*#k?”
Dying sucks.
Living ain't that easy either, though. I've had my share of successes and joy in life, but my personal pessimism persists. But pessimism is pointless. It serves no purpose, except to derail myself. So why is it there?
I'm not a big bummer masquerading as a saint. It's just that my moods reflect my outlook, where I am on the P.O. Scale:
( PESSIMISM -------------------------------------------------- OPTIMISM). For some weird reason I see only the Positive in most others, yet judge myself so harshly.
Today, well into the first cycle of the full strength cancer drug prescribed me, I feel more confused than ever. Anyone looking in would say “Rejoice!” My tumors are shrinking, My leg is not swollen, My gut is moving and I am eating and gaining back weight.
Yet along with the progress come new side effects. My scalp and neck itch like a bad case of poison oak. My feet seem to be growing bone spurs or something. It hurts to stand and walk again. Night sweats and technicolor nightmares are leaving me sleep deprived and paranoid.
Just side effects, right? At least it seems I'm not on the way out right now, getting 'healthy looking'. But I don't just want to keep on breathing. I want to LIVE!
My Girlfriend Ruth wrecked her knee racing bikes as a pro. Every step reminds her of her past and her altered now because of it. She hates that her leg limits her. Yet she rides her bike instead of driving, everyday. When it hurts a little less, she runs stairs to challenge it. She goes to the gym and climbs as hard as she can, even though her injury means weird new sequences and pain just to move up. She rocks. She gets pissed at her body. She knows there is a loss that may not return. But she keeps trying.
Part of what brought us together was injury and loss. We understand these things. I just want to be able to feel joy again. To inspire her again like she inspires me. I feel a fool, though, incapable of competence. This depression is an irrational yet absolute wall, a tough one. Just looking up from the base makes me shake...
It is oh, so easy to fall down a hole. I've seen the empty eyes of those who have concluded all is pointless. The mind is often its own worst enemy. I am not going to fail, though I have fallen quite often. Get up. Get going. Get on with it. Get a life.............and accept it.
I forget that I am a bad ass sometimes. I just think I'm Bad, or an ASS..... and I collapse despite myself.
OK. Deep breath, then another, then a longer one. Chill. Don't self fulfill your prophecy. If you are alive try to deal, and if you can't laugh at it, don't despair. Might as well be happy and f*#ked up than just f*#ked up. If you can't climb walk. If you cant walk crawl. If you can't crawl meditate. Just smile, my man. You got the love of your life still here. You have your breath. You have you mind...don't loose it.
BUT I WANT TO FLY. I've had my wings clipped. It's no use telling me the grounded life is fine...I've soared!
You've changed, that's all. I bet even among worms there is a bad ass, wiggling better then the rest in the dirt. Wiggle well, if that's all you can do. Get over yourself.
I am me, and that's all I need to be?.................
Continuing to blow my own mind,
Paul.
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pat
Trad climber
estes park
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Nov 27, 2010 - 02:48pm PT
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Hello Disaster Master,
My mother currently has melanoma, stage 3c, a result of a misdiagnosis by a dermatologist (scary). My family has been dealing with it for a while, and I have done a lot of research on the disease. There is a great website here http://www.melanoma.org/community/mrf-bulletin-board where melanoma survivors and those currently active disease get together and talk about treatments, dealing with the stress, anything really. Everyone there is from different walks of life, but in the same boat as you, and the wealth of information and support is vast. If you register and post what you just wrote there, you will get meaningful support from people who are traveling the same road as you.
It is, of course, a resource for cancer patients and survivors, and there is some depressing stuff there. There are also a surprising amount of success stories as well, it's hard, but people with advanced disease do beat this, and you can be one of them. Melanoma is also the focus of a lot of current research. Fight hard, keep taking the drug despite the side effects, get your tumor burden down, and take it from there. Ipimunillab (sp.) and vaccine therapies provide the longest remission free survival (i.e. cure), and there are planned trials combining the drug you are taking now with others that look very promising.
I wish you all the best,
Patrick Vernon
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Nov 27, 2010 - 04:51pm PT
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I hate this souless cancer bast##ard. Wallow, be angry, pissed, depressed and overwhelmed for awhile, it's cathartic and I've found absolutely essential in this battle then it exhausts itself and some relief comes flowing back. Hopefully you will move through this debilitating patch soon. Warm thoughts for you and Ruth. Susan
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 27, 2010 - 05:31pm PT
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Its not ALL bad, as Ruth reminded me after my last post. I am mostly Pissed at being hobbled again. I don't sit around well. Most of all though, dealing with being alive means remembering the issues undelt with, the would-a, could-a, should-a stuff that rattles around in your brain.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 29, 2010 - 06:08am PT
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I am going to try to teach again. I can do that even siting down. Back to the yoga.
In my quest to work through the emotions involved with cancer I came across this by Sri Swami Sivananda in his booklet, Conquest of Fear.
BE COURAGEOUS, FRIEND
Difficulties, adversities and sorrows
Are Karmic Purgation;
They instil mercy in the heart,
They turn the mind more towards God,
They are blessings in disguise,
They help your evolution,
And strengthen your will and power of endurance,
They make you more wise and dispassionate.
Muster courage and strength,
Nil desperadum Friend!
Draw strength from within,
Move forward courageously,
Look not back,
Be regular in your meditation,
Stand as a witness or Drashta,
Identify with the Immortal Self
You are born for higher things,
A brilliant future is awaiting you,
Apply diligently to Yoga,
Unfold all latent faculties,
Yield not to unmanliness,
Shake off faintheartedness,
Stand up, be bold and cheerful,
Rejoice, enjoy and be blissful.
Thou art not this body,
Thou art immortal Brahman,
Thou art eternal Atman,
Thou art diseaseless Soul,
Thou art blissful Svarupa,
Thou art All-full Chaitanya,
Thou art invincible Lord of lords.
And this...
Cultivate courage. Be a silent witness of the mind’s menagerie. The mind will lurk like a thief. You will feel now that you were duped all these years by this mischievous mind and that fear is a non-entity, a big zero.
Now THAT'S a pep talk!
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TWP
Trad climber
Mancos, CO
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Nov 30, 2010 - 12:22am PT
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Paul:
Your picture in "Toe Stand" is recent?
If so, you look far better than when our paths crossed at Indian Creek.
Wow! You look alive and strong! And that was not my impression at Indian Creek.
The invite to come to Mancos is still open come spring.
May our paths cross again,
Terry Price
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 30, 2010 - 11:55am PT
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Your picture in "Toe Stand" is recent?
If so, you look far better than when our paths crossed at Indian Creek.
Well, the pic was actually taken the day I noticed something wrong, close to a year ago. I was in Toe-stand repetedly for the photographer. By the end of the shoot I felt what seemed like a pulled muscle in my groin. Turns out it was the main tumor I felt growing.
I look better than when you saw me last though! I am about half way in between what you saw and the picture.
Would have stopped by your place, but had to hi-tail it to the doctors.
C-Ya,
Paul and Ruth
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 30, 2010 - 06:49pm PT
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Here is the comparison Toe-stand pic. This is after taking yoga today.
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Gym Birdwall
Gym climber
The "Koop"
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Nov 30, 2010 - 09:39pm PT
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Good to see youat yoga today,Paul. Love Ruth's classes. How 'bout climbing at The Bubble after the rains?
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 30, 2010 - 09:41pm PT
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How 'bout climbing at The Bubble after the rains?
Gym B., PM me. We will see..............
-DM
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Nov 30, 2010 - 10:52pm PT
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You are looking awesome! The Bird is doin' well too! and Ruth...well Ruth is very lovely!
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blackbird
Trad climber
the flat water trails...
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I"m just now checking in/keeping tabs on threads in which I've posted...
A status update as per your request: I"m almost exactly one year out from my most recent surgery (it was January 13, 2010.) Results from labs last week say that all numbers/counts/levels remain (and will continue to remain!!!) exactly where they should. YAY!! Now I just have to keep working on getting my head and heart realigned... ACK!
ABSOLUTELY count me in the CRAC club, and if an opportunity to climb and visit with you et. al in the spring works out, I would truly be honored to be there. Let's send out some optimism and see when it happens!!
To respond to your post on the 27th: I vividly relate to many of your words and thoughts; I truly believe that many here could, particularly those of us who have been up close and personal with this thing we call cancer.
The crying, yelling, screaming and being humbled on every front... The agony of numbness, defeat, loneliness, depression... The gawdawful yoyo of "usta-coulding" and "remember when-ing" yourself to death... People pulling away and/or withdrawing and/or you simply pushing them away, not knowing how to act or react or reach out to you nor you to them because you are so angry at the world or angry at yourself or just damned pissed at breathing and and generally miserably as you try desperately inside your head and your heartto make order out of the ChaosThatHasBecomeYourLife... All of this is frighteningly - and annoyingly! - real and familiar.
Then gradually, you become able to look beyond all of the confusion, darkness and pain... You become able to look to that patch of blue as the storm clears and to the doe you can glimpse through the trees with her still spotted fawn and able to listen to a tune, simple though it may be with no complicated harmonies, that brings a breath of beauty to the air you breathe and that you feel as it resonates through your body and soul when you draw your bow... Serendipitious treasures - both tangible and metaphysical, from perfect strangers begin to light up your days... The light touch or deep hug of a well meaning individual do so as well... These, and others too numerous to mention, are the things that keep you going; that kept ME going. These are the things that continue to help ME to accept that yes, though I once was able to fly, that path has changed and now there are different opportunities. THIS is my path now, and while I may not be where I once was - and where I am certainly more comfortable - this new perspective has gifted me with new opportunities to travel in different directions and with refreshed eyes.
Acceptance is a challenging thing at times. Finding peace can be even more so.
Though it may frequently feel as if you are, you are not alone on this winding trail. I wish you continued peace and healing as your path unfolds before you...
Please keep us posted...
Samantha (bb)
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Wow BB, Samantha! As a new warrior in the damnable cancer battle I have followed and chatted with Paul and gained many insights from his journey. Your most recent post has put to words that avalanche of emotions and jumble I have felt as I have been dumped into a fight I never expected. To this new warrior I find much strength and grounding in what you and Paul have shared...as you said, a reminder that we aren't alone on this journey, and regardless of our individual journeys whatever our love of the rock or nature that brought us all to ST we are able to reach out to kindred souls to discuss and share things as debilitating as cancer to the mystery of physics or historical Chounaird 'biners. Gotta love it! Susan
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