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Wade Icey
Novice climber
Indian Caves
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Topic Author's Original Post - Apr 11, 2002 - 05:31pm PT
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As reported on April 1st, El Cap tree had fallen to the base, been chainsawed into manageable pieces and carried off by souvenir hunters, driftwood artists and ravens. The leftover splinters were gathered by representatives of Delaware West and sold at Curry Villiage to keep the housekeeping campfires burning. The tragic loss was mourned by the climbing community and Green Dragon tour guides who feared they would have to use another landmark to find El Capitan.
In a press conference on April 2nd the President promised a thorough investigation and swift action to resolve this terrible slight against the American public. "Our National Parks belongs to Merica (sic),' he stated, while chewing on a fresh pine toothpick sent to him as a gift from his campaign supporters at Delaware West. 'Apparently, this was an act of nature. Nature is evil and we will spare no tax dollars in the pursuit and destruction of nature. I have asked Congress for six billion dollars of emergency funding and I can promise the citizens of the United States that this heinous act will gonna be avenged (sic)." The President was visibly shaken. As he left the podium he was heard to remark to the Vice President, "Dick, what time do we tee off?" and "Get the Secretary of the Interior on the phone and find out what the hell a tree is."
In a stunning display of government in action, National Guardsmen were called in to secure the talus field at the base of El Cap and round up any suspicious looking characters seen lurking around the Deli. Four hundred climbers, twelve brown bears, a spotted skunk and a ringtailed cat are now being detained without charges at a makeshift compound near the El Cap wood yard. An NPS spokesperson who asked to remain annonymous stated "this is the best thing for Americans and America. For the first time in years there are no lines at the Deli or at the base of the Zodiac."
Keeping his promise to spare no tax dollars, the President awarded a seven million dollar contract to Delaware West to replace El Cap Tree with a newer, more modern tree. DW, working in conjunction with Disney, ILM, the ASCA and 3M, installed the new tree yesterday, April 10th. The president, speaking to reporters for Climbing, Rock and Ice and DeliWorld Magazines from his bullet-proof Suburban parked in EL Cap meadow said, "I know what a tree is. And this tree is even betterer and safer than that one what we had before (sic)."
The new tree is an exact fiberglass and space-age plastic replica of the old one, complete with a nest of animatronic peregrine falcons, talus surveilance cameras and a repeater antenna to facilitate better cell phone reception to big wall soloists. YOSAR members will be hired to give it fresh coat of paint once a year.
The President assured all Americans that the war against nature will continue until "...every last Naturist is hunted down and deflowered."
Patriotically,
Wade Icey (For SEND magazine)
Holding to his promise of swift action
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BR
Novice climber
Long Beach, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Apr 12, 2002 - 12:26pm PT
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Beautiful.
WI, you may have missed your true calling ...
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Russ Walling
Social climber
Upper Fupa, North Dakota
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Mar 19, 2009 - 10:30pm PT
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arborist bump
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scuffy b
climber
just below the San Andreas
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Mar 20, 2009 - 04:45pm PT
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I suppose the funding for the annual paint job is going by
the wayside...
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Wade Icey
Trad climber
www.alohashirtrescue.com
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Mar 20, 2009 - 04:51pm PT
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don't worry scuff it'll be covered by increased entrance fees and any 'leftover' educational funds from the lottery.
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Wade Icey
Trad climber
www.alohashirtrescue.com
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why not bump
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Mungeclimber
Trad climber
sorry, just posting out loud.
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I had heard they were going to outsource the tree to India, and bring in a Hampi Boulder to lure in the IndoTourism dollars.
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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hey there, say, wade icey... thanks for the neat bump... i had never heard about this... thanks... :)
nice read... :)
always, sad as to trees going, but a good share, to read
need to finish, the last parts look odd...:O
after reading ALL of this...
hmmm, it is a strange read, as well...
very odd...
is it a take-off on the tree that fell?
or what...?
edit: ahh haaa, so i think it is:
creative writing... :)
where do you get your ideas... oh my... :O
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paul roehl
Boulder climber
california
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Back in the summer of 69 a guy I knew in camp four had started drinking at about 7:30 in the morning and by five in the afternoon he'd decided and announced to everybody within earshot he was on his way to cut down El Cap Tree. No particular reason the guy just had a big saw and he was plenty crazy. Scary dude. He was at least five years older than me and really intimidating and he'd decided that I should go along and help carry his gear (about fifty pounds of chrome moly + water and other assorted bottles). I did what I was told for fear of my life and by 10 or 11 that night I'd toted his crap from camp four all the way up to the base of the climb. When we got there I hung out for about an hour while he continued to drink like a camel at a desert watering hole. Finally he passed out cold, like a light turned off, I mean the guy was practically comatose. It was my opportunity to get the hell out of there so I left and walked back to camp 6 in a full moon that had to be the clearest and brightest I'd ever seen. It was magical. To this day I remember that moonlit walk back as one of the most beautiful experiences of my life and I guess I have to thank that drunken SOB for dragging my frightened ass along. A few days later I ran into him and it was as if the whole affair had been erased from his mind; he didn't remember any of it. apparently he'd woke up at the base of El Cap not knowing how the hell he got there, loaded up his gear and walked back to camp. What a great summer.
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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hey there paul... say, thanks for the share... i am not sure exactly what the first post meant...
but it does appear that a tree is gone... due to finally needing to fall?
but your story, is a very pre-tree strong-history one, and quite an experience...
thanks for the share...
the good lord sure made a way for you to politely just move on...
edit: even graced you with the moonlight...
as a kindness to remember...
god bless, thanks for the share...
:)
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ß Î Ø T Ç H
climber
. . . not !
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This one scheduled yet ?
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couchmaster
climber
pdx
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Like this tree? Seen here just last month (Dec 2009). It was too cold to climb so we went wandering on an adventure.
We were able to get a tape measure on her once she was down and determined that she was the former tallest in the area. Funny story, we were able to get her sawed, bucked and down so as to be able to count the rings to accurately check the age (for "Science"), thinking this may be the oldest tree on the planet, yet when we cut her down, she was hollow!
ha ha funny world eh? Not to worry though as she'll go far towards heating the planet in various folks wood stoves.
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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hey there boitch... oh my... as with us all, i remember seeing that as a kid..
say, couchmaster... good laugh from that... great picture!
again, always sad to loose a tree, but i do know that their time
comes, too...
thanks for the neat picture and fun story...
:)
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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hey there ... an after thought...
always better if folks CAN get the old trees down that
are a possible danger, as i did read here, on ol' supertopo
about the tree that fell on the yosemite train-for-tourist...
there was some pics here, on the supertopo too, as to that...
way of the world:
**trees here, in our town recently nearly took lives, all due to them
being "dead" inside... weren't take down in time..
thus--they did it on their own... bad damage, but some
micracle calls, in lives that just "missed" getting taken
down with... :O
:)
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Srbphoto
Trad climber
Kennewick wa
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Biotch - that one fell a couple of years ago. Made front page news. I wouldn't be surprised if it goes away slowly due to scavengers (ie photographers).
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JEleazarian
Trad climber
Fresno CA
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I remember when the Tunnel Tree in the Mariposa Grove fell in 1969, and I also remember climbing the Arches for about the zillionth time in the early 1980's, looking west at the (then) first pendulum, and thinking "what's wrong with this picture?" when the Rotten Log wasn't there. I suppose the Tree will have its day, too, but I understand that several pitches of the old El Cap Tree Direct route (Denny/Sacherer) really did fall several years ago.
John
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Wade Icey
Trad climber
www.alohashirtrescue.com
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bump for the festivities
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HighTraverse
Trad climber
Bay Area
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ElCap Tree is indeed not long for this world.
Was green, vibrant and healthy when I climbed up to it in '75
Now it's looking pretty ragged.
One of these days......
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mctwisted
Social climber
superslacker city
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was looking up at el cap tree today(from the base) amidst the many waterfalls coming down the right side of el cap. cant remember a more beautiful day in the valley with the contrast of the snow gulleys coming down from around taft and the cathedrals.
the tree is hang'in in there and getting plenty of water to rejuvenate!
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DM88T
climber
San Juan Bautista, CA
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