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James
climber
A tent in the redwoods
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Topic Author's Original Post - Jun 6, 2006 - 02:41pm PT
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Jamie shoveled a mouthful of dog food into his mouth. Juicy bits of canned beef and kidney beans fell into his beard as he nodded his head. “Thaft moonds gud. Be clim it fas.”
“What?” I asked staring up from the topo of the Prow of Washington’s Column.
Jamie swallowed another mouthful of chili, cleared his throat, and repeated himself. “That sounds good. We’ll climb it fast.”
“Yeah, so I’ll meet you at 5 and we’ll start hiking.”
“Cool, night man.” Jamie said as he opened another can of Hormel’s Chili. I waved and walked back to my tent to get my last minute gear together.
The sunrise caught up to us at the base of Washington’s Column. I scurried up the first pitch, leading the easy 5.10 corner to some mellow aid. The line was fixed and Jamie sprinted up the rope. He grabbed the rack and set sail, linking the next two easy pitches. As he neared the anchor he began moaning. The groans increased until he shouted down that the line was secure. I shot up and lead the next pitch as the beat of the day began pounding. The valley was waking up and the sounds of swallows, waterfalls, and dump trucks drifted up the rock. The pitch was dispatched quickly; I fixed the line and yelled down. Jamie responded slowly.
“Dude. Uhh dude. Can you come down?” I was puzzled. The ascent so far had been smooth sailing. I descended back to the small, sloping ledge, clipped into the anchor, and immediately realized the problem.
The stench wafted into my nose making me gag. Jamie’s bowels had exploded all over the third pitch ledge, coating the entire area in foul excrement. I looked at my partner and saw duct tape hanging from his ass. Jamie chuckled nervously and gave me a weak smile. “No toilet paper had to grab some off the edge. The storm’s still brewing.” Jamie let out more gas than a Texaco station.
I tried not to dry heave as I pulled the ropes and set up to bail off the wall. The ropes touched the ground and terra firma couldn’t come quick enough. A male and female climber were watching me from the base as I descended.
“You guys bailing?” The male climber asked me.
“Yeah, my partner isn’t feeling very good and it was going to be a long day. Are you guys going up there for a couple of days?”
Jamie came down the lines and started pulling the ropes as the female climber spoke up.
“Yeah, we’re going up for three days. Tonight we’re going to spend the night on the third pitch ledge. Supertopo says that it’s palatial but some guys in Camp 4 said it was small. What’s the ledge like?”
I looked at Jamie leaving him to explain the situation with his usual deftness. Jamie Mundo has the charm of Cinderella’s prince. Girls skip around Yosemite with t-shirts that say “Mundo means the world to me.” I expected him to bust a charlatan’s grin and soothe the woman’s fears with sugar coated dishonesty but instead he was frank about his butt explosion and the offensive feces covered ledge.
“It’s pretty shitty.”
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nature
climber
Flagstaff, AZ
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I hope Ouch doesn't provide graphics for this story. Another good one, James.
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Gunkie
climber
East Coast US
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Holy crap.
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GOclimb
Trad climber
Boston, MA
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Funny, thanks!!!
GO
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Blakeb
Big Wall climber
Ashland, Oregon
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Maybe you should make a clean up effort. Paper towels, trash bag and bunch of water to dump on it. Dont be an @sshole!!
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spyork
Social climber
Land of Green Stretchy People
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You had me laughing my ass off.
Thanks!
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Mimi
Trad climber
Seattle
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Hilarious, but disgusting all the same. Be a sport and return to the scene of the slime and clean it up. Don't you want to finish the route anyway?
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James
climber
A tent in the redwoods
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Topic Author's Reply - Jun 6, 2006 - 04:20pm PT
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This was years ago and the problem was cleaned up.
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Mimi
Trad climber
Seattle
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What a relief!
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dirtbag
climber
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mmmm...gooooood lunch time reading. Bon apetit.
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billygoat
climber
3hrs to El Cap Meadow, 1.25hrs Pinns, 42min Castle
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quite frankly, I don't believe the last name. I believe it's something more like Casta... wait, no, I can't do it...shiiit...
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up2top
Big Wall climber
Phoenix, AZ
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What a freakin riot. You knew it was just a matter of time before we got the Ouch graphic. Man -- been there, unfortunately. I learned to never climb multi-pitch without a headlamp and a ziplock full of poop tickets.
Ed
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BASE104
climber
An Oil Field
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A friend of mine was soloing Cosmos when some bad cream cheese hit him. He had to drop trou and explode all over his rope and gear in the middle of a pitch.
I wouldn't ever climb on that rope with him after that. The gear cleaned up nicely.
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happiegrrrl
Trad climber
New York, NY
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VERY funny. Great start, and a great finish, too. Well crafted writing. keep at it!
"The Book of James" with illuminations by Ouch!
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Ouch!
climber
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I must admit this is not a good thread to read while munching on chocolate bars.
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k-man
Gym climber
SCruz
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TFF James. An Ouch! delivers!!!
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blackbird
Trad climber
the south
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ROTFLMFAO!!!!! OMG... That is TOO funny. What an excellent diversion from researching for a dissertation!! kudos.
(...unfortunately, like up2top, been there and learned that particular lesson the (not so) hard way... eeewwwwwww!)
Ouch! - at least you're not eating those no bake cookies involving peanut butter, oatmeal, chocolate and other such ingredients...
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